Ashes tour facing the axe!


England’s cricket team has threatened to abandon the current five-Test series and fly home immediately unless the Australian side agrees to undertake intensive empathy training.

The threat could easily see the looming Boxing Day Test in Melbourne, the New Year Test in Sydney and the historic Hobart Test later in January abandoned at crippling expense to Cricket Australia and state cricket authorities.

“The way the Aussies reacted to Jos Buttler’s freak dismissal at the Adelaide Oval was quite simply bad form and totally unforgiveable,” England team manager Eoin Morgan told The Bug.

“The slips cordon rushing forward in great jubilation and then the entire team hugging and laughing over poor Jos’s dismissal was simply not in the spirit of Test cricket between our two countries.

“There were two sides at the Adelaide Oval and I’m afraid only one of them was playing cricket.

“Being dismissed hit wicket is one of the rarest forms of dismissal and even the bowler Jhye Richardson would accept his rather innocuous delivery played no part really in the dismissal when Jos’s foot slipped back onto his stumps.

“All our chaps are just so bitterly disappointed that the Australians didn’t walk up kindly to our batter and give him some well-done back slaps for his valiant 26 runs off 206 balls that almost saved the Test.

“To stand and applaud our gallant wicketkeeper off the field would have made things all tickety-boo,” Morgan said.

“That’s what our lads would have done under the same circumstances.

“I thought the win-at-all-costs mentality of the Australians had been erased, so to speak, by that nasty sandpaper business in South Africa.”

A member of the Australian side who asked not to be named told us: “Eoin Morgan can go fuck himself with a shattered stump.”