Headstones, boosters & deadly carparks

MELBOURNE: Headstone engravers around the nation are reporting a surge in requests to have the words “I was only offered Astra-Zeneca” under the deceased’s basic life details and who they’ve left behind.

A spokesperson for the engravers’ peak body, the Federation of Australasian Epitaph Chisellers, told The Bug: “Many of these unfortunate souls in their final, hastily rewritten wills also requested some additional strong words about the prime minister and rather colourful laments ruing the fact that no government MPs had held shares in Pfizer at crucial moments that we can’t share with Australia’s No1 family netzine.”

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SYDNEY: A spokesperson for Scott Morrison has clarified comments the PM has made overnight in advance of today’s national council hookup.

“When the PM said he was awaiting ‘further advice’ on when booster shots should be given, he clearly meant ‘further supplies’.

“He couldn’t have told you this himself but he’s off taking personal responsibility for his own health by having a second booster shot just to be safe in case there’s a COVID flareup in Hawa….Ha… his holiday plans.”

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CANBERRA: Twelve Australians have died from COVID-19 overnight in tragic circumstances, Health Minister Greg Hunt’s office has advised.

“Suffering COVID-like symptoms and urgently seeking a test, all 12 were stuck for at eight hours or more in their cars in long queues, hemmed in by other people wanting tests so they could travel interstate to share a loving and peaceful Christmas with family and friends.”