Lord Downer stands ready

FEDERAL POLITICS:

Lord Downer of Adelaide Hills has offered his services and those of his family to the nation in the wake of the decision by Education Minister Alan Tudge to stand down in light of personal abuse allegations and the planned exodus of other sitting MPs at the next election.

His Lordship today requested media representatives to attend a news conference at his family seat Pout House in the Adelaide Hills.

There Lord Downer’s household staff fumigated reporters and photographers before allowing them entry to the grounds. (pictured)

Once admitted through the main gates of Pout House reporters were directed to assemble at the foot of the grand staircase of the east wing of the Pout House gatekeeper’s cottage.

There Lord Downer descended the stairs and began to speak at reporters. (main picture)

“We wish it to be known that my good self and my gorgeous daughter the Marquess of Mayo stand ready to serve our nation,” he said.

“Those of you within the media with sentient faculties may be aware that the nation had the pleasure of having me as its longest serving foreign minister.

“I am well prepared to return to the post and to impart my vast knowledge and skills once again on the world stage.

“I ask only a modest stipend to defray necessary costs such as the relacquering of my favoured Louis XVI sedan chair.”

His Lordship then began to hold forth on the need for him to return to the service of the nation and for his daughter the Marquess Georgina to be installed in the Federal Parliament “without delay and without any unnecessary so-called ‘election’ by the hoi polloi”.

These actions were vital, he said, in light of the current and imminent loss of personnel within the Morrison Government and “signs that the Orientals are getting above their station” which he said justified Australia “taking to them with a good stiff waddy as the Defence Minister is opining”.

“There is no doubt in my mind that if we take such steps to retake and secure the FarEast then we could rely on the Empire joining us in such a just cause,” he added.

Before he could continue, he was interrupted by questioning about the earlier fumigation of reporters who sought advice on whether the exercise was a public health initiative to lessen the risks of transmission of the new omicron variant of the COVID-19 virus.

“Prithee, my dear chap,” His Lordship said to a female reporter posing the first in a series of question, “Do not worry your blue-stockinged bone box with such details.

“Gadzooks! Twas nary to do with the COVID malady but merely a method to keep me safe from the stench of lower-order foozlers and flapdoodles such as yourselves.”

At that a commotion began to build among reporters and His Lordship declared his news conference to be at an end.

He summoned with a click of his fingers four strapping young under-footmen – dressed only in what looked and smelled even from a distance like an eastern fragrant oil – and fell in a swoon into their arms to be carried up the grand staircase and out of sight.