Getting hot, isn’t it? Well of course it is, dingbugbats, because today is the first day of summer! But can you confidently take a step outside and not get your feet burnt? Or catch a fatal melanoma? Or drown in a monsoonal downpour? You’d like to know you’ll be completely safe whatever or whomever you’re doing out there, right?
There’s only one way to ensure your complete safety and that is to follow the sage advice of the world’s greatest soothsayer who for the past 30 odd years has fondled his crystal balls exclusively for The Bug.
So take it away ….. drum roll please… KISMA ARYIAS!
SAGITTARIUS – November 22 – December 21
You lay awake at night wondering if all the motorists in Australia who own yellow cars have affectionately named them “Spotto”.
CAPRICORN – December 22 – January 19
You can’t believe your luck when, walking down a deserted and darkened laneway late at night armed only with a 3kg Stuart Surridge cricket bat, you encounter the small group of TV station executives who still think that Hamish Blake and Andy Lee – either together or separately – make for good television.
AQUARIUS – January 20 – February 18
When you spot through a petshop window a caged white cockatoo furiously bobbing up and down and screeching loudly and continuously, you are compelled to go inside and ask whether it’s called Michaelia or Cashie.
PISCES – February 19 – March 20
You are not at all surprised when you hear that Defence Minister Peter Dutton has been diagnosed by medical experts with very-low-functioning decency.
ARIES – March 21 – April 19
After catching those full-page newspaper advertisements heralding Craig Kelly as Australia’s next prime minister, you go online to find Clive Palmer’s upcoming standup comedy dates, venues and times, especially as you’ve heard he really has to be seen live to fully appreciate his comedic genius let alone his girth.
TAURUS – April 20 – May 20
Reading those United Australia Party advertisements where the UAP declares no other party deserves its trust or support, you pray that the party’s followers at the looming federal election will then do the right thing by Australia and only vote 1 and leave all other squares blank.
GEMINI – May 21 – June 20
You wonder if it’s true that Chinese President Xi Jinping has apologised unconditionally and has begun destroying all of the Communist country’s military installations on the disputed Spratly Islands in the South China Seas after our Defence Minister Peter Dutton ordered that be done by midnight Australian eastern summer time tonight or else.
CANCER – June 21 – July 22
You are happy to read that Tasmanian Liberal backbencher Bridget Archer has finally been released from hospital after receiving pastoral care in Parliament House last Thursday from Prime Minister Scott Morrison, Foreign Minister Marise Payne and Treasurer Josh Frydenberg.
LEO – July 23 – August 22
You hear that a cash-strapped federal Liberal Party is now saving money by doing internal polling based on only one respondent; the only drawback is that the results have a plus or minus margin of error of 12,500,000.
VIRGO – August 23 – September 22
You wonder if it’s true that Zali Steggall has offered to fund Gladys Berejiklian’s entire campaign if the former NSW Premier decides to run for the Liberal Party in Warringah at next year’s federal election.
LIBRA – September 23 – October 22
You hear that while police had arrested the man who stole Peta Credlin’s NRMA Kennedy award for outstanding long-form current affairs reporting they then had to release him after the prosecution branch advised that technically – and more importantly – legally, the award had to be worth something for the theft charge to have any chance of success.
SCORPIO – October 23 – November 21
You rip up your $100 betting slip backing a May 2022 federal poll date after you hear Prime Minister Scott Morrison stating categorically that the election would be held in that month and at no other time.