Lord Downer tackles ex-PMs


Lord Downer of Adelaide Hills has publicly attacked Viscount Malcolm Turnbull for his public criticisms of Prime Minister Scott Morrison.

At a news conference at his family seat Pout House, Lord Downer (at left in main picture) said until now he had resisted igniting a public brawl, but the behaviour of the “pigeon-livered foozler” Viscount Turnbull (at right in main picture) meant he could no longer maintain his silence.

His Lordship arrived at the news conference adjacent to Pout House’s western gate’s carriage house in his sedan chair carried by four strapping young under-footmen disporting firm and well-oiled bodies, naked save for a small muslim lap-lap which only partially protected their modesty.

On arrival Lord Downer waited in his sedan chair and summoned two of the young men to assist him in alighting before directing all four of them to stand close to him as he spoke to “the media rabble”.

“It is not my preference, nay it is indeed with immense reluctance that I make public my disagreement with Viscount Turnbull over his recent comments about Mr Morrison,” His Lordship began.

“It is also not my preference, nay it is also with immense reluctance that I take issue with a fellow aristocrat, albeit one who achieved his status in ….. in….”

At that point His Lordship’s voice began to waver and he grew unsteady on his feet, finally falling into a deep swoon.

Luckily, as he slumped sideways he managed to throw his arms around one of the under-footmen and break his fall by sliding down the length of the young man’s oily and glistening body, tearing off his lap-lap in the process.

Motioning to his sedan chair, His Lordship directed the now naked young man to retrieve a small vial of smelling salts which were swiftly administered, resulting in His Lordship’s rapid revival.

After regaining his feet and touching his nose with a lace kerchief he retrieved from one of his sleeves, Lord Downer resumed his remarks.

“It is also not my preference,” he repeated, “Nay it is also with immense reluctance that I take issue with a fellow aristocrat, albeit one who achieved his status in ….. in….trade,” His Lordship said, adopting a pained expression and seeming to again slightly lose his footing when uttering the last word of his remark.

After a few moments he again resumed his statement, declaring: “Viscount Turnbull’s attacks on his successor as prime minister, Mr Morrison, make him look mean-spirited, bitter and vengeful.”

“As you gibfaced ruffians and hedge-creepers in the media would know, it is normally beneath me to comment on the doings of a vazey whooperup such as Mr Rudd, not least because he is a…. a….. commoner, an eater of broken meats, a filthy worsted-stocking knave just like all of you,” His Lordship said, verily spitting out his final words.

“But to me it looks as though both Viscount Turnbull and the corny-faced bull calf  Rudd are both bitter about their own demise from power, and they are playing out some sort of act of vengeance.”

Seemingly reaching the end of his remarks and pre-empting the posing of questions, His Lordship summoned his under-footmen to assist him into his sedan chair.

On settling into his seat, Lord Downer directed the naked servant to accompany him inside the conveyance to ensure he was close at hand if another case of the vapours hit him on the journey back to Pout House.

Before departing, His Lordship directed one last comment to the assembled reporters who were forced to break their bows and curtsies to take note of his remark.

“As former senior elected officials, nay prime ministers no less, both Viscount Turnbull and the commoner Rudd should cease their public political commentary,” he said.

“Their behaviour leaves less room for me to continue my regular interventions in public intercourse attacking the Labor Party and its gross presumption to seek to govern our nation.”

With that His Lordship’s sedan chair wobbled uncertainly, having only three under-footmen bearing its weight, and made its way slowly towards Pout House.

The Bug thanks Trivalve for the extra words shown below and used above. They came to us during a Titterverse exchange among like-minded folk searching for apt descriptions for Smoko Morrison but the language sounded so Lord Downer, don’t you think? We certainly did.