Irate God storms out of media call

CLEO SMITH’S MIRACLE RESCUE:

A media conference God called to take full credit for the safe return of Cleo Smith has ended disastrously following heated questioning from a sceptical Australian mainstream media.

In a very rare appearance on earth, The Almighty Father just on dawn this morning fronted the media outside the Carnarvon, Western Australian, house where police found the four-year-old safe and well in the early hours of Wednesday morning.

“I felt a need to answer the thoughts and prayers of countless people, not the least of whom was your caring and empathetic Prime Minister Scott Morrison, who were all calling for an end to Cleo’s 18-day ordeal,” the Omnibenevolent One said after addressing a short opening prayer to His Holliself.

“It’s why I implanted in those police officers’ minds the address where Cleo could be found.”

It’s when the Almighty Father appeared to pause to give those gathered gratefully in front of him time for a generous round of applause for His Divine Intervention that the trouble began. The media throng clearly was not taking the line that brilliant policing and spirited community action had little to do with the child’s rescue.

“Why did you make that little girl suffer for so long before taking action then,” one reporter asked.

“Yeah, how about that?” chimed in others.

“And did Daniel Andrews have anything to do with Cleo’s abduction,” Rachel Baxendale asked via radio phone from Melbourne.

The All-Powerful Diety appeared at first stunned by the questioning but quickly regained His reputation as The Infallible Redeemer.

“If I had given Cleo back straight away, the world would not have been able to enjoy this powerful surge of spirit-lifting emotion at her rescue at a time when many had begun to fear the worst, “the Beloved Father of Jesus Christ Our Lord said simply.

“It’s a swings and roundabouts thing. You’ve got to get the timing right.”

But the media pack was having none of that.

“So when are you going to end William Tyrell’s family’s ordeal and give him safely back to them?” a Channel 9 reporter shouted.

“And what have you got to say,” a local stringer for The Courier-Mail in Brisbane yelled, “about not making that bus driver stop and pick up Daniel Morcombe?”

“Hello, hello,” the All-Powerful, All-Forgiving Diety responded, tapping the microphones as if they weren’t working promptly before giving a shrug of His Supreme Shoulders and ascending quickly to Heaven.

Media experts and religious scholars have pointed out that this is only the second time the Creator and Ruler of the Universe has appeared in “person” in Australia. And neither has gone well.

A similar media conference God called after the rescue of the two Beaconsfield miners back in 2006 because He thought Bill Shorten was getting far too much attention and credit also ended poorly.

“I’m the one who saved those two men,” the Supreme Reality shouted back then. “Only I could answer the thoughts and prayers of the countless many hoping beyond hope for a miracle.”

God also had to cut that presser short when journalists repeatedly kept asking why He had felt the need to drop such a large rock on a third miner who hadn’t come out of the mine collapse anywhere near as well as the other two men.