Changes for social media giant

SOCIAL MEDIA:

After enduring a barrage of criticism about its activities and corporate philosophy, social media company Facebook will soon unveil its new branding and new name. Facebook founder and CEO, Mark Zuckerberg, agreed to an exclusive interview on the changes being planned.

The Bug: Thanks for agreeing to the interview and we’re grateful that you could find time in your busy schedule of appearances before various legislative inquiries around the world to talk to us.

MZ: Well, when I heard last Thursday at 9.40 am, your time, that you were planning to ask me for an interview, I made sure I cleared my diary to do it.

The Bug: That’s uncanny. A few of us at The Bug office did discuss an interview with you at exactly that time last week. How did you….

MZ: Can we move on?

The Bug: Sure. As I said, you have been busy defending Facebook. Was its current negative public image a factor in your decision to change its name?  

MZ: Yes, I have been kept very busy defending my company and its activities. And, yes, it was one of the reasons we will be making a name-change. We recognise that the Facebook name has attracted a lot of negative attention in recent years. We want to shift to a name that better reflects our relationship with users, legislators, regulators, and the wider community.

The Bug: Can you tell us what the new name is?

MZ: Fuckyou.

The Bug: Whoa. Well fuck you too you overpaid, arrogant, flatheaded cun….

MZ: No, sorry. The new name is Fuckyou.

The Bug: Oh, I see. Well that name certainly sums up your corporate philosophy.

MZ: We think so too. But there is another reason for choosing that name. We believe that many media outlets, out of a desire to protect their readers’ sensibilities, will resist publishing reports on our company activities once we are called Fuckyou. That way we will have a much lower public profile, and so we can get away with…. I mean, we can undertake new ventures without adverse publicity.

The Bug: Are there other changes in the pipeline?

MZ: Yes, there are a couple more. For a start I will also be changing my own name for the same reasons we are changing the company’s name.

The Bug: To avoid being the subject of media reports?

MZ: Yes. To that end I’ve changed my name to Mark Fuckerberg.

The Bug: You’ve already made that change?

MZ: Yes. I have.

The Bug: So the abbreviations we’re using in this interview transcript to identify you should read “MF” not “MZ”.

MF: Yes. That’s right. I hope you can accommodate that. Oh, I see you have already. That was quick.

The Bug: Our pleasure. You mentioned other changes?

MF: Yes, there are a few new products we plan to roll out under the Fuckyou name such as a new body image discussion forum for teenage girls. It’ll be called HeyFatso. We’re also creating a political discussion forum specialising in dangerous conspiracy theories. It’ll be called DCT.

The Bug: DCT, as in “dangerous conspiracy theories”?

MZ: No, dopey cunts talking.

The Bug: So it’ll promote conspiracy theories, not expose them?

MZ: We like to think it will expose them. To millions, maybe billions more users which should keep advertisers happy. And us.

The Bug: But isn’t that indicative of the reasons you’re in trouble with regulators and the wider community?

MF: Fuck you.

The Bug: Yeah, I got the new name.

MF: No. Fuck! You!

The Bug: Oh. Well, thanks for your time anyway. Cunt.