Politics is a very dirty business

Dear Doctor Dick

I’m not even sure why I writing to you about this because it seems so, so implausible and totally disgusting but I’ve got to ask.

I’ve heard that when Scott Morrison was a senior minister in the then Turnbull government three years ago, he not only handed around a large lump of coal in Parliament but that he and other ministers then really did show their love of coal in a way I just can’t imagine possible.

And I’m talking about persistent rumours that a senior Cabinet minster actually drilled a hole through the lump of coal and stuck a very lifelike vagina from one of his sex dolls onto the block of coal’s surface and that a number of ministers then …

I’m sorry, I find the whole thing mind-blowingly offensive yet I hear persistent rumours that vision of these unnatural acts, taken by Guardian Australia snapper Mike Bowers, does actually exist.

So I beg you to put my mind at rest. Please … for my own mental well-being and to rid from my mind once and for all some horrific images, especially ones including Christopher Pyne and Barnaby Joyce in a threesome … please tell me this is all untrue.

Newcastle, NSW

Dear Joel

Yes, there are many people on both sides of the political aisle who have a deep love of coal and the wealth that its mining and export has brought to this country and the highly paid jobs it has given countless Australians for more than a century.

I think I know of the images you’ve probably seen and I can assure you they are completely false, created in the sick minds of individuals hellbent on shaming the industry.

But even worse then that, they were also hellbent on scoring cheap political points over the side of politics that has always supported the industry and which has given it billions in subsidies each year to not only survive but thrive in a world growing increasingly worried about the effects of climate change.

So if you ever see images like the ones I’m reluctantly sharing with you (below) please delete them immediately and alert the appropriate authorities.

The people who created these images are indeed vey, very sick individuals who need much more professional help that even I as the world’s leading sexologist for the past 30 years could ever possibly provide.