Prime Minister Scott Morrison has announced what he claims is a foolproof way to lift the nation’s COVID-19 vaccination rates and help open up the national economy sooner than previously planned.
Sources within the Morrison Government said the PM had struck upon the idea of franchising vaccination delivery while in Sydney last weekend for Father’s Day celebrations with his family.
“The PM is truly a marketing genius,” a senior government official said on condition of anonymity.
“While in Sydney at the weekend he and his wife and kids ate a lot of meals at Kirribilli House that were home delivered.
“They ordered in from fast-food joints because, as you know, all the other eateries in Sydney are either closed or gone broke because of the pandemic lockdown.
“The PM noticed that all of the places they ordered from were franchises – KFC, Pizza Hut, Donut King, Guzman y Gomez, and Red Rooster.
“They even went out on Father’s Day itself and bought some take-aways from Maccas at Engadine, although this time when he was there the PM didn’t fill his daks with a stream of stinking shit with the consistency of brown Windsor soup that he sprayed all over the tiled floor.
“But it did strike the PM that maybe the vaccine roll-out could be franchised. As I say, the guy’s a marketing genius because when he got back to Canberra he immediately issued instructions for that to happen.
“As a result, the ubiquitous national franchise company Jim’s Mowing will soon have a fleet of vehicles operated by independent franchisees in just about every suburb in every city and town in the nation with franchisees jabbing people left, right, and centre. We’ll reach the 80% target in no time at all.”
The government source said Mr Morrison was eager to build on the idea which was based heavily on the government’s congestion-busting car park program in that no tenders were called and Liberal MPs will determine what streets the Jim’s Vaccines trucks visit.
“This plan is pure genius. It means we can piggyback a whole heap of government services through the same franchising system,” he said.
“So under the PM’s plan in coming years you’ll see trucks rumbling down your street from Jim’s NDIS, Jim’s Centrelink, Jim’s Medicare, and even Jim’s NBN.
“I’ve got to say, this is a brilliant plan from a brilliant guy who deserves the title ‘Marketing Genius’ as well as ‘Father of the Nation’ and ‘Greatest Wartime Leader Australia Has Ever Had’.
“I know he does because he always tell me so himself,” the source said.