Canning of awards sparks attack

TELEVISION:

The cancellation for the second year running of the Logies Awards has drawn heavy criticism from one of the key figures involved.

Organisers of the nation’s premier TV industry awards night have announced that, just like last year’s event, the 62nd Logie Awards which were scheduled to be telecast live from the Gold Coast on November 28 have been canned due to the COVID-19 pandemic and border lockdowns.

The decision sparked an outburst by Logie Statuette, (main picture) whose image in miniature is presented to award winners.

Speaking to reporters via an online news conference from his home while in lockdown in Melbourne, a clearly tired and emotional Mr Statuette attacked the decision.

“What the fuck?” he began, before apologising for his language and asking reporters to ignore the remark and telling them he would begin his opening statement again.

After pausing for a few moments, Mr Statuette restarted his introductory comments.

“What the fuck?” he said again, but this time continued, “I mean really, what the fuck? For the second fucking year in a fucking row?

“What sort of gutless, lily-livered, lip-quivering arseholes are responsible for this decision?

“The shit-for-brains fuckwits behind this decision forget that the awards night is my night. I’m the star of the show and they never once asked me if I agreed to have the ceremony – my ceremony – canned for the second fucking year.

“I’ve been involved in this pissant presentation night for…. let me think, it must be more than 60 years.

“It’s my once-a-year outing. It’s my big night. It’s all I’ve got. I’ve got nothing else…..,” he said as his voice began to tremble then trailed off and he began tearing up.

He then disappeared from screen for several minutes during which the sound of ice clinking against glass and a liquid being poured could be heard.

When he reappeared on screen a now-composed Mr Statuette said: “Everyone knows the awards mean dogshit. I mean look at the smorgasbord of dross and unoriginal, intelligence-insulting dung we churn out as an industry. Who deserves an award for any of that crap?

“But it’s still my big night. I’m the fucking star here. Remember that. It’s the one night each year I get to mix and mingle with the beautiful people and get a chance to put the hard word on some of the hottest young performers – male or female, I don’t give a fuck. And fuck #metoo too, I say.

“If you’ve ever been to one, you’ll know the Logie Awards is the one night everyone in the industry agrees that the casting couch is alive and well. It’s a fuckfest, take it from me.

“Now they want to take that away from us – from me – again. Jesus Christ, fuck me sideways – as one ‘best new talent’ winner asked me to do at an after-party a few years back.

“I say again, what the fuck?” Mr Statuette said before slumping sideways and disappearing from view and at the same time knocking his laptop so that the internet connection was lost.