Let’s all spring into action

Well, spring might not be the correct word if, like more than half the nation, you’re under lockdown.

But with the wise advice of arguably the world’s most accurate soothsayer ever, you can at the very least take tentative steps within a 5km radius, provided you keep social distancing.

So lots of luck out there, okay.

VIRGO – August 23 – September 22

You dismiss speculation about an October election when you realise you haven’t seen a photo yet of Georgina Downer in any seat the Liberals will let her stand in holding a novelty cheque in her name made out to some local organisation from a rorted federal government community grants scheme.

LIBRA – September 23 – October 22

Pondering the dozens of stories News Corp Australia outlets ran pillorying the Four Corners story about Fox News you wonder how much worse Rupert Murdoch’s counterattack would have been if the ABC program had aired anything in its two-part report that wasn’t true.

SCORPIO – October 23 – November 21

Simon Benson, Dennis Shanahan and Peter van Onselen walk into a bar …. well, there’s three jokes in one right there!

SAGITTARIUS – November 22 – December 21

You wonder if a federal election is not too far away when your already preselected Liberal Party candidate knocks on your door and asks if you’d like a car park.

CAPRICORN – December 22 – January 19

You wonder if it’s true that Jim Carrey has been arrested and fined in a Canadian town for not wearing The Mask.

AQUARIUS – January 20 – February 18

You are rather saddened by the news that ABC NSW state political reporter Ashley Raper is considering quitting journalism following the overnight death of her exaggerated-mouth-and hands-movement coach.

PISCES – February 19 – March 20

It wasn’t until you watched a preview of Monday night’s Four Corners on ABC TV that you realised the obvious answer to what has an IQ of 170 – it’s a busload of Donald Trump supporters.

ARIES – March 21 – April 19

You never thought your contempt for the law and those who practise it could get any worse but then you binge-watch all nine seasons of Suits.

TAURUS – April 20 – May 20

You dismiss speculation about an October election when you realise that’s far too little time before the writs are called for the Federal Government to prepare and spend at least $500 million of taxpayers’ money on cross-media advertising telling Australians how good the Morrison government had been so far and how much better it will be in the future.

GEMINI – May 21 – June 20

New daily COVID-19 cases in New South Wales will go nowhere near 10,000 at any time during September.

CANCER – June 21 – July 22

But if I were you, I’d put some money on 6,561 on September 2, with 31 deaths.

LEO – July 23 – August 22

The fact News Corp Australia columnist Chris Kenny was able to pen a lengthy attack on the Four Corners report examining Fox News even before it went to air makes you think that maybe he should be writing these stars from now on.