MAJOR DEFENCE RETHINK:

Defence Minister Peter Dutton has seized on unfolding events in Afghanistan to announce this morning that the Royal Australian Air Force is to be dismantled “immediately if not sooner”.

At a hastily arranged media call at Parliament House, the minister said the Navy would also be largely scuttled, reduced to just a handful of patrol boats to protect Australia’s north against illegal refugees trying to come here, quite possibly from Afghanistan, and the Army’s military tactics and weaponry would face an “immediate, rigorous and brutal review”.

“The basic rule of modern warfare was that if you controlled the air, you controlled the war,” Mr Dutton said.

“And yet the Taliban without a single warplane – heck, not even a single drone with some four-penny bungers attached to it – have just retaken Afghanistan after 20 years of fighting the world’s most powerful military force ever.

“They did the exact same thing decades ago against Russia.

“And before that, North Vietnam proved the lack of an airforce was no barrier to eventual military victory as you were prepared to keep tunneling through the stench of cordite from B-52 bombs, the overheated and pulverised rock and soil and the mincemeat that had moments before been tunnellers in front of you.

“So I can’t mask my bitter disappointment while announcing, sadly, just after the RAAF has celebrated 90 years of service under that name that it has to go because it’s not effective. It simply doesn’t work.

“Anyway, countries with powerful air forces get tempted to drop bombs on other countries and history shows that never, ever, works out well, as I might have mentioned before. People can really get a set against you.”

Mr Dutton said: “The Taliban had no Navy either so that’s surely got to tell us something?

“So we’ll be cancelling those $90 billion … (the minister turns to an aide off screen) … sorry, $110 billion worth of French subs and scrapping our existing warships such as our eight frigates and three destroyers. We’ll obviously keep some of the support vessels for fire and flood rescues and the like.

“Let’s learn from the Taliban. Should China ever take us on, let’s bravely face them in thousands of tinnies and armed to the teeth with rusty .303s and Bren guns!

“Get the job done in the true spirit of Anzac, I say! Take that, you little yellow Commie bastards!”

The minister then turned and kissed one of the Union Jacks on the 12 Australian flags hanging limply behind him.

Mr Dutton turned back to the Canberra media pack and added: “But of our three defence forces, the Army has the most to learn from the Taliban’s success.

“The Army’s air wing will be dismantled and all the helicopters will be donated to the SES and the Rural Fire Service.

“Gone also will be all our tanks, APCs and the like.

“And I’ve ordered our generals to begin souring the country for rusty Ford and Toyota utes and a whole pile of old and unreliable Russian and American machine guns and pistols to replace the ADF’s current F88 Austeyrs.

“And as soon as the Islamic Emirate of Afghanistan gets settled in, I’ve asked that some of their military leaders come Down Under as Army instructors to explain to our troops how you can spend winters in freezing caves without good food or proper medical care and then when the fighting season starts, come out onto the plains and be repeatedly blown to bits by the finest munitions ever delivered by the most powerful attack helicopters and strike jets ever built – and still win!

“Australia has got to put Vietnam and Afghanistan losses behind us and start winning some wars in the true spirit of Anzac,” the minister added, before executing a snappy salute and kissing the Union Jack on all of the 12 Australian flags standing limply behind him.

He was then heard muttering “These fucking towelheads must breed like rabbits” as he marched in review order back inside the relative safety of Parliament.