A cruel practical joke by the Australian Labor Party has left a shattered Victorian MP Tim Wilson still confined to home bed rest after several days in hospital in a self-induced tizz.
Labor Leader of the House Tony Burke remains unapologetic about the trick despite Wilson’s time in hospital being described by his husband as “touch and go”.
“My dear darling Timmy almost died of humiliation in the Sir Robert Menzies Private Hospital for Tories here in Canberra and those horrid people in the ALP should be thoroughly ashamed of themselves,” the Member for Goldstein’s husband said.
Burke explained to The Bug how the practical joke played out on Wednesday in the past week’s parliamentary sittings.
“We knew that Timmy was getting more and more frustrated by the day over the lack of any policy from Labor that he could mount a taxpayer-funded travelling parliamentary committee road show over to thoroughly debunk while soliciting Liberal Party memberships and much-needed campaign donations.
“So we left in the members’ dining room near where Tim normally sits a document purporting to be from our national executive signing off on a Labor pledge to be taken to the next election to convert the nation’s entire road system to left-hand drive.
“We had members stationed throughout the building and we watched Timmy run excitedly back to his office.
“We heard him shout to his staff: ‘We’ve got the bastards! That policy will costs countless billions to implement and every Australian will be forced to foot an enormous bill to either convert existing vehicles or buy new left-hand-drive cars and they’ll all have to be electric’ and listened as he excitedly rang colleagues in marginal seats who would be on the traveling committee under his chairmanship.
“He kept shouting ‘Car Tax! Road Tax! Steering Wheel Tax! Left Tax! It’s going to work on so many levels!” over and over again he was so excited.
“He was just about to ring the Prime Minister’s Office to discuss with the junior staffer who secretly does this sort of stuff a suitable budget, timeframe and colour-coded spreadsheet for the taxpayer-funded, all-states-and-territories travelling parliamentary road show when he must have heard us laughing outside.
“He stormed out and when he saw some of us waving the fake Labor document at him and others using their hands and pretending to drive, he shouted: ‘You cruel heartless bitches! How could you be so underhanded and so unethical and so … so dreadfully mean!’ before holding a hand to his forehead and collapsing on the floor in a complete and utter swoon.