Lord Downer: ‘My balls are safe’


Lord Downer of Adelaide Hills (pictured) has issued a blistering statement castigating the South Australian Government for imposing a snap coronavirus lockdown that threatens to scuttle events His Lordship had planned for the coming weekend at his family seat, Pout House.

His Lordship’s statement – printed on vellum and held by an inexplicably naked young under-footman at the gates of Pout House for the public to read – took issue with the decision to lock down the state for seven days and demanded that Premier Steven Marshall reverse the decision.

“I am livid, nay near apoplexy, at the temerity of the so-called ‘Premier’ – a cove who is not even titled – to declare that his so-called ‘government’ is shutting down our state,” His Lordship’s statement said.

“Damn his eyes, I say. This week was to have seen several of my famous and much-anticipated balls at Pout House which have always been a highlight of the season.   

“I have already commissioned, paid for, and had delivered an array of brand new knee-breeches, white cravats, and chapeau bras specifically for my balls.

“Now they are useless to me and just this morning I ordered a scullion boy to burn them all.

“I have also been spending long hours practising my gavotte and minuet as well as assembling the entire Pout House below stairs staff to assist me in perfecting my cotillion and quadrille.

“Just what are the debutantes of the Adelaide Hills to be told? They will be heartbroken at the news that they will not have a chance to formalise their entry to society by dancing with me.

“The same goes for the many strong young gentlemen whom I make sure always attend my balls.”

Lord Downer said the lockdown was “totally unnecessary, at least for the better classes”.

“I can understand that the lower orders may well be afflicted with whatever current malady is besetting the land,” His Lordship’s statement said.

“But we gentry are by birth immune from such common complaints, as everyone does or should know.

“Besides all my balls are masked and have been long before the so-called ‘government’ issued all and sundry to wear them.”