Colours help in COVID cash rollout

SYDNEY: The Morrison government is using colour-coded spreadsheets to ensure cash payments to businesses and staff hurt by the COVID-19 lockdown across large swathes of NSW are “going to the right places”.

“A lot of Liberal Party (sic) money is involved here and the public would expect the government to ensure those aid payments are headed to where they are going to do the most good,” a spokesperson for Treasurer Josh Frydenberg told The Bug.

“The colour-coded spreadsheets simply ensure the money is going to the right places.”

The Bug understands blue is used on the spreadsheets to depict electorates currently held by the LNP federally. Pink shows Labor electorates that the government hopes to win at the next federal poll while red shows solid Labor electorates that have no hope of any help whatsoever.

Asked if rumours were true that the vast majority – perhaps upward of 95 per cent – of federal aid money was headed for areas marked blue and pink on the spreadsheets, the spokesperson replied: “That sounds about right.”

“But I want to make it clear that the Prime Minister has been totally ‘hands off’ with this process and it’s very unlikely that he will know anything about it for at least two years if he’s re-elected.”

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MELBOURNE: ALDI stores around Australia have overnight removed all those central bins and tables that are a special feature of their marketing model, to abide by government decrees that customers should only enter those ALDI stores to buy essential items.

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SYDNEY: The Australian Broadcasting Corporation has advised that the new season of Midsomer Murders that premiered last night around the nation will be the last after 22 seasons.

“We’re not even sure there are enough people still living in Midsomer to kill off to get through the intended six-episode finale,” an ABC source said of the show that is recorded live before a dead audience.

“Understandably, no outsiders have wanted to move to Midsomer for a very long time now.”