UK dodges economy disaster bullet


LONDON: England’s heart-breaking penalty shootout loss to Italy at Euro 20 has a silver lining: a victory would have seen the United Kingdom plunged into a nightmare recession that could have lasted years.

Finance experts in the City and leading social demographers at a number of UK universities have all agreed that a win for England would have been followed by months, possibly years, of celebrations that would have seen the British GDP drop by billions of pounds “each and every quarter”.

Such a dramatic slump would invariably have had dire consequences for other national economies around the globe.

“Because England hasn’t won at anything important really for so many decades now, the euphoria of a win at Wembley Stadium would have meant mass absenteeism at workplaces for possibly years,” one specialist told The Bug.

“The only people who would have benefited from an England win would have been pub landlords, divorce lawyers, flare manufacturers and proctologists.

“It’s definitely for the best that England lost. Sure, there’s still going to be a price to the economy as football fans drown their sorrows with pints of warm ales but it will be relatively short-term for they’ll quickly accept the reality that they are born losers, chokers and international sporting jokes and get back to work.”

Meanwhile, a top UK sports psychology expert has tried to explain why England’s fans are taking the Euro20 loss so badly.

“They invented football so naturally they are devastated that the one chance for a major victory in 55 years has slipped through their grasp,” the expert said.

“While they’ve had reasonable success over time at other sports they’ve invented, such as cricket, rugby union and rugby league, they’ve always known that with cricket in particular Australia has from time to time only let England win the Ashes so they’ll keep playing with them.

“That’s why a once-in-a-lifetime win at football was so important to them. Every generation should have at least one victory to savour.

“It was also their best chance to flip the bird at European Union members to show that Brexit was the right thing to do.”