Feeling a little gloomy with most of Australia in lockdown over this dastardly Delta strain of COVID-19?
Well, brighten up because the world’s most accurate soothsayer is here to explain there are better days ahead as we enter the new financial year.
Follow Kisma Aryias’s advice and the whole of July will be awfully jolly! Trust Kisma ….. he’s never been known to let anyone down.
CANCER – June 21 – July 22
You are not at all surprised to discover you really don’t give a shit about what Barnaby Joyce thinks of city people.
LEO – July 23 – August 22
At the 50th anniversary reunion of your year 12 class you come face to face with the school bully who apologises profusely before belting you up and taking cash from your wallet yet again.
VIRGO – August 23 – September 22
After watching Barnaby Joyce during Question Time last week bellowing like a Brahman bull with its gonads caught on a barbed wire fence, you’re just grateful he’s a changed man because you’d have hated to see how he would have carried on if he wasn’t.
LIBRA – September 23 – October 22
After receiving numerous knockbacks that have hindered your modelling career you try to stay positive when you are advised that you’ve missed out on a contract to be the “face” of a new Yves St Laurent high-end cologne but have scored the role as the face of Draino.
SCORPIO – October 23 – November 21
You suspect it’s absolutely true when you hear on various news bulletins that young people are dying to have the AstraZeneca COVID-19 jab.
SAGITTARIUS – November 22 – December 21
You decide to fight a minor traffic infringement ticket but start to worry if you’ve picked the best lawyer when he uses a manila folder to shield his face from TV news cameras waiting outside the court house to cover another unrelated case.
CAPRICORN – December 22 – January 19
You miss out on a chance to win $100,000 prize when a radio station rings and asks if you can name the previous Deputy Prime Minister rolled by Barnaby Joyce last Monday.
AQUARIUS – January 20 – February 18
Anticipating what you and your mates reckon will be a memorable Schoolies Week at the Gold Coast later this year, you book a beachfront unit at Surfers Paradise so you won’t miss any of the action – a bit odd really for a bunch of middle-aged public servants.
PISCES – February 19 – March 20
You are surprisingly relieved when Pauline Hanson clarifies matters and confirms she was born once.
ARIES – March 21 – April 19
You are disappointed when organisers of the Bathurst 1000 due to be run in early October reply to your email and reject the idea you submitted for staging a more exciting race that better reflects real-life driving conditions by splitting the starting grid in two and having the two halves of all competing cars flagged off in opposite directions.
TAURUS – April 20 – May 20
With just over a month to go, you’ve started praying the Brisbane Ekka will once again be called off because of coronavirus as you’d much prefer to spend the money you’ve set aside to take the family there on a new car.
GEMINI – May 21 – June 20
You think that maybe the winter solstice might account for some pretty ratty horoscope predictions for you recently, but then decide that your life is just turning to shit regardless.