Australia’s sluggish COVID-19 vaccination rollout will soon match the world’s best with National Cabinet’s decision early last night to fast-track the release of a new jab that is not only 100 per cent locally produced but is completely safe.
National Cabinet set aside normal but lengthy Therapeutic Drug Administration approval processes to ensure that millions of phials of the new COVID-19 PLACEBO vaccine can start leaving its manufacturing hub, a former mountain spring water bottling plant in the Gold Coast hinterland, almost immediately.
Prime Minister Scott Morrison, for whom the botched rollout had started to become a political nightmare, is understandably ecstatic over the vaccine breakthrough (pictured above) in that the new vaccine will quickly fill the gaps caused by acute shortages of the other types, especially pfizer.
“The great thing about this new vaccine is that there are no negative side effects whatsoever,” Mr Morrison told last night’s media call.
“So there’s no need to indemnify doctors against any risk, as we’ve been forced to do seeing we’ve also decided tonight to let adults of all ages have the AstraZeneca vaccine if for any reason they thought this new PLACEBO jab was not for them.
“That would be a pity as the medical experts tell us the PLACEBO jab is probably just as effective as the AstraVeneca vaccine anyway, with the added advantage as I said of absolutely no risk whatsoever of blood clots, although you may not feel thirsty for a little while after getting your first jab.”
National Cabinet also decided that aged-health-care workers and airport workers including limo drivers must have their first coronavirus jab – regardless of the type of vaccine – by September.
“That shows just how serious we have been over the past 18 months about beating this scourge, especially with the emergence of this highly contagious new Goodrem (sic) variant,” the PM smirked.