ASYLUM FAMILY BREAKTHROUGH:
The “Biloela Four” family of Tamil asylum seekers is now free to return to live permanently in that central Queensland town – and it’s all due to a political masterstroke by Prime Minister Scott Morrison.
“The PM’s breakthrough is breathtakingly simple and its a win-win for all concerned,” one of his senior aides told The Bug this morning.
Acting on Mr Morrison’s demands, authorities released Nades Murugappan and his daughter Kopika from Christmas Island early this morning and they are now in the air making their way east to Gladstone before a bus ride west to Biloela.
Priya and daughter Tharunicaa, who is currently being treated in Perth Children’s Hospital after being given too much Panadol and Nurofen, will join them as soon as the family’s younger child is well enough to travel.
And Mr Morrison’s brilliant solution to what was becoming a ticklish political problem for the government?
On his orders, the township of Biloela and its population of 6000 overnight has been excised from Australia and is now designated as a foreign country.
“Mr Morrison had the brainwave as he made his way to the G7 Plus meeting in Cornwall in the UK and as a joke was trying to beat David Boon’s beer-can drinking record on a flight to Europe.
“He has been beside himself for some days now over the plight caused by the severe illness to the youngest of the ‘Biloela four’.
“And by plight, I mean he’s had to come to grips with the possibility that there now might be more votes to be gained by being nice to this family than continuing to be a dog-whistling, racist, uncaring, far-right-wing, un-Christian cunt in letting them rot both mentally and physically on Christmas Island until they die.
“All this is off the record, right?
“His plight was just made worse when his Home Affairs and Defence Ministers shot off their mouths and suggested, totally incorrectly it turned out, that the US or New Zealand might take this family of darki… sorry… detainees.”
Under the PM’s plan, Biloela residents will not require passports to visit Australia and people travelling through the town on the Dawson and Burnett highways will be allowed to do so without unnecessary border checks and customs delays.
The PM’s spokesperson added: “And Mr Morrison’s view is that if the people of Biloela are pissed off about losing their Australian citizenship, then perhaps they should have thought twice before taking this darki… sorry … coloured family of criminals and illegal arrivals to their hearts.”
“All this is off the record, right?”
A Labor spokesperson told The Bug: “For the good folk of Biloela, this is the biggest cunt act since Kevin Rudd first thought up the idea that people seeking asylum in Australia would never, ever, be allowed to settle in Australia unless they did it the right way by flying in.”