Winter can be depressing enough without the increased chances of dying from a fresh outbreak of COVID-19 or, even more embarrassingly, shuffling off this mortal coil after succumbing to the common flu!
So, please, everybody, keep the disinfectant close at hand and loved ones, friends and strangers at arm’s length.
And while June may also be cold and miserable, you can get through it if you follow the wise advice of the world’s most accurate soothsayer who has written exclusively for The Bug for more than three decades.
Not one person has perished on Kisma Aryias’s watch.
GEMINI – May 21 – June 20
You are momentarily filled with melancholy as you ponder the possibility that as Hamish Blake nears the end of his life he finally realises the best thing he ever did in the entertainment sphere was Lego-Masters.
CANCER – June 21 – July 22
You can’t believe your luck when, walking down a darkened alleyway armed with the 3lb 5oz Stuart Surridge cricket bat, you encounter the person who first thought up the idea that advertisements on television should be louder than the normal programming.
LEO – July 23 – August 22
Now that the COVID-19 vaccination program has been going for some weeks and is picking up speed, you feel sorry for people who always faint at the sight of needles being inserted into arms. With all the TV news they’ll have missed over time, you worry they’ll become so ignorant of local and world events they will turn into One Nation voters.
VIRGO – August 23 – September 22
You wonder if it’s true when you hear that several Question Times during the May Budget season of Parliament were abandoned when staff failed to roll out the red carpet in time for the Prime Minister’s appearance.
LIBRA – September 23 – October 22
When you read that the ABC’s Australia Talks poll of 60,000 people found that 94 per cent believed pollies who lied should resign you must admit you asked yourself: how the fuck is Scott Morrison still in Parliament.
SCORPIO – October 23 – November 21
You wonder if you’re the only other person in Australia disappointed that there hasn’t been a Parnell Palme McGuiness column in the weekend Sun-Herald this past fortnight.
SAGITTARIUS – November 22 – December 21
With all this COVID-19 about, you wonder if it was at all wise for Prime Ministers Scott Morrison and Jacinda Ardern to rub their noses together in Queenstown, or did one or both of them just forget their hankies.
CAPRICORN – December 22 – January 19
With the NRL refs really cracking down on head-high tackles, you were not the least bit surprised when this week’s fixtures resulted in so many send-offs and at least four AACTA nominations.
AQUARIUS – January 20 – February 18
A chronic insomniac, you seek help from your local GP and they offer you the choice of a small handbook or audio tape of recent ministerial statements by Alan Tudge.
PISCES – February 19 – March 20
Your bet with Ladbrokes that there will not be a federal election this calendar year starts to look shaky when you notice the rollout has begun of hundreds of millions of taxpayer dollars on cross-media advertisements telling Australians how good the Morrison’s government’s latest Budget has been for all of them.
ARIES – March 21 – April 19
You then tear up your betting slip when newspaper photos start to appear of LNP sitting members and candidates displaying large novelty cheques with their photos and names prominent and made out to local community groups courtesy of some rorted multi-million-dollar federal grants scheme.
TAURUS – April 20 – May 20
Even though your mother taught you to always refrain from saying nasty things about anybody, you can’t help wondering whether Deputy Prime Minister Michael McCormack is as fucking dumb as he comes across or is just a really silly sausage.