Crowe wins inaugural Arse-Licker gong!

Sydney Morning Herald and The Age chief political correspondent David Crowe has swept past a number of more fancied rivals to win the inaugural The Bug‘s Media Glass House Arse-Licker of the Month award.

The Bug judging panel said of Crowe’s winning entry: “It was something even one of the sillier Peter Van Onselens couldn’t have come out with in a month of his nuttiest of Sundays. It simply took our breath away, hidden as it was in a column that on the surface appeared somewhat critical of Prime Minister Scott Morrison.

“But just as the entire panel were thinking how balanced and objective Crowe could be if he tried to forget what Peter Costello wants, he hit us right between the eyes with this, describing Morrison as: ‘The man who won the 2019 election almost single-handedly …'”

Yes, we know! An auditorium full of first-day Politics #101 students could probably stand in turn and each rattle off a very valid reason as to why Crowe’s comment is just about the silliest, suckholiest, dumbest, the most illogical, completely baseless, juvenile, simplistic bit of Tory-treated tosh ever made inside or beyond a Pauline Hanson One-Nation weekend thinktank.

Yet with just those 10 or so words, Crowe’s got his tongue so far up the PM’s arse he’s tickling the Messiah from the Shire’s tonsils.

As it turns out, Crowe has indeed been lucky to grab the coveted gong: his winning entry was actually in an essay penned late in March when The Bug‘s editorial executive team cooked up the idea of the monthly award and commissioned a design for a trophy. It was then they decided that late-March entries could be included in the April competition, what with it being the inaugural award and all.

And so it has come to pass that Crowe’s risible, unbelievable, is-he-really-paid-that-much-to-write-such-laughable pro-Morrison BULLSHIT rubbish has won our first Bug MGH Arse-Licker of the Month award.

We have plenty more words to describe Crowe’s cringeworthy capitulation to the genius of God’s chosen one on earth but let’s start with two: Clive Palmer.

Never before has one person thrown so much money at an Australian federal election- reportedly upward of $90 million, almost all on anti-Labor, anti-Bill Shorten ads and much of it on the final week of the 2019 campaign.

The ads were all pervasive; across all media platforms. Weren’t there electronic messages running across bowsers on petrol station forecourts? Palmer would have gladly spent more if the Australian Electoral Office had allowed him to put “Bill Shorten’s a cunt” holograms on the millions of ballot papers issued on election day, the images triggered by the approach of a lead pencil.

For Crowe’s education, let’s try two more: death taxes. Of the litany of lies, the farago of fibs that the Morrison mob pumped out during the 2019 campaign, the red-hot porkie that Labor planned a hefty death tax not only came at the death but The Bug suspects was the deadliest of them all. Motorscooter billboards might have just been the warm-up act but wasn’t Josh Frydenberg the chief mischief-maker as the fib fired up online?

Two more words. Pork barreling. David Crowe can’t even give Morrison the credit for the gold-standard pork barreling that we now know went on in the leadup to the 2019 vote and we’re not talking just the sports rorts saga here. There were billions involved in seducing government and marginal seats. The PM after all, was completely hands off, in the dark almost, the PMO just passing on suggestions as it’s entitled to do. Right, David?

Unless our fearless SMH political commentator knows for a fact that Morrison had all five sticky fingers of just one single hand all over these rorts and the PM has lied to all of us? Surely not!

Regardless, here we have David Crowe, totally satisfied with his brilliant analysis and 100 per cent convinced that his man Morrison almost single-handedly massaged that late swing to the LNP in the last few days, about the same time one bookie was paying out on a Shorten/Labor win.

It’s true that a lot of people do make up their minds – or indeed change them – as they walk to the polling booth.

But without Crowe’s big salary, his supposed expertise, soaring intellect and his reach in the community, let’s sum up and hopefully educate him on a few things.

Morrison did not swing things around in those final days by stepping up his disgusting personal attacks on Shorten’s supposed mendacity. With what we know now about the Liar from the Shire, that’s truly Goebbelian, is it not?

Morrison did not swing things around in those final days by kicking more footies, throwing more hay bales, driving more trucks, drinking even more beers if that was at all possible and cheesing more goofy grins as the loveable uncle/sports-loving blokes next door.

Morrison did not swing things around in those final days by stepping up his clever pitch to his fellow greedy Australians (it takes one to know one) that “they could keep more of their own money” that was basically his only real policy and Malcolm Turnbull’s idea at that.

No, David. Morrison had been doing all those things for a month and he had gone backwards. Polls taken around the Thursday before election day showed the late swing was to Labor. The Bug might be the only publication around with a political bent that has argued those polls were right all along and that something finally clicked in the minds of sufficient voters for Morrison to limp across the line. No-one’s disabused us of that theory.

And The Bug will bet its bottom dollar – ‘cos that’s all it has left – that a single Morrison hand had fuck all to do with it.

For all those reasons, David Crowe, please accept the inaugural The Bug Media Glass House Arse-Licker of the Month trophy with our sneering condemnation and hoots of derision. Please give up your version of political journalism and try your hand at something new that best fits your powers of deduction and your amazing ability to rationally assess the facts of any matter. Long-distance truckie? Packing shelves down at Woolies? Plane spotting at Mascot.

EDITOR’S NOTE: Many readers are probably wondering why two late April entries – the AFR’s Phillip Coorey’s Gladys Berejiklian lovefest or the Newscorpse Australia-wide glossy magazine salute to the Messiah of the Shire (both below) didn’t win this highly uncoveted award.

We at The Bug are too, but as they say there can only be one winner on the night and what won us over was Crowe’s simple little statement reinforcing a widely held MSM belief that Scotty from Marketing really is a campaigning genius who pulled off the miracle win.

And, oh, how the mainstream media has loved such a winner since May 2019.