PM speaks his mind at meeting

FEDERAL POLITICS:

Brittany Higgins, the young woman who started a massive protest movement to expose abuse, harassment, and disclination against women in politics after being allegedly raped in Parliament House, held a private meeting with Prime Minister Scott Morrison this week. The Bug has gained access to a transcript of their meeting in Mr Morrison’s office.

PM: Welcome Brittany. I’m very pleased to have the opportunity to speak at you today.

BH: Thanks Prime Minister. Can I start by saying you have a serious problem with the behaviour of men in your party – just as other parties do. But you’re the Prime Minister so your responsibility goes further than the Liberal Party. You need to address the issue that’s eating away at politics in general and preventing women from fulfilling their own ambitions, or denigrated, made to feel unsafe or, like me, being subject to even worse behaviour by entitled men who feel they are protected by the system. It shouldn’t be looked at only as a political problem.

PM: I agree. We all must take a wider and longer-term view and resist the temptations put before us by the Evil One.

BH: Satan?

PM: Anthony Albanese. But you were close.

BH: This is a serious and immediate problem that needs your leadership to overcome the obstructions of those who are resistant to change.

PM: I agree. I spoke to Jenny about it just last night….

(Prime Minister abruptly ends his line of argument after frantic signals from his staff in the room)

BH: This issue shouldn’t get dismissed or denigrated as simply being “PC”.

PM: I have always believed there is absolutely nothing wrong with being PC.

BH: Really?

PM: Oh yes. All my life I’ve believed that.

BH: I’m glad to hear you say that.

PM: You’ll never see or hear me shy away from being PC.

BH: Great. Now were getting somewhere.

PM: (Whispering) That’s PC as in Pentecostal Christian of course.

BH: What was that? Didn’t quite catch that.

PM: Never mind. Let’s move on.

(Prime Minister shifts his chair closer to Ms Higgins)

BH: What are you doing?

PM: It’s okay.

BH: No it’s not. Get away from me.

PM: I’m just laying my hands on you.

BH: I know. Get them off.

PM: But it’s a healing process that God…..

BH: Good God! Get them off. Keep your hands to yourself.

PM: But God has told me, through a picture of an eagle, that….

BH: I don’t care what God has told you. I haven’t given you consent to touch me.

PM: That’s okay. I won’t lay my hands on you. But how about a bit of tongue work?

BH: Jesus Christ!

PM: Exactly.

(Prime Minister closes his eyes, stands, raises a hand to the sky, and begins speaking.)

PM: Rail evislupmoc a ma I.

BH: What are you doing?

PM: Stror strops eht tuoba lla wenk I.

BH: What the….

PM: SaccaM enidagnE eht ta flesym tahs I.

BH: I’m outta here.

(Ms Higgins stands and runs out of the office)

PM: Kli sih dna nelesnO nav reteP rof doG knahT.

(Prime Minister continues speaking in a trance-like state for most of the day.)