Right on time, well almost – which surprised the senior editors here at The Bug because his copy is often delayed by unforeseen circumstances – the world’s most accurate soothsayer Kisma Aryias has filed his predictions for the month ahead.
May’s a big-un, with 31 days that could go terribly wrong for any or all of us, but if you follow Kisma’s advice you’ll get through it safe and sound.
Unless you don’t and The Bug accepts no responsibility whatsoever for your unfortunate demise.
TAURUS – April 20 – May 20
As you await your next court appearance, you take some solace from the fact that it took more than 40 years of Anzac Day appearances and fun times catching up with your war mates before some smartarse finally noticed that the medals on your chest were from completing the maze of mirrors at the Royal Show for most of your childhood.
GEMINI – May 21 – June 20
Angered at being rejected by Channel 9 as a contestant on their new Love Island reality TV show, you still try to see their point that your mobility frame would not have handled the sand all that well and being 77, the chances of injury if you fell would have been high. The colour photo you were required to submit of your pigeon chest probably didn’t help either. Nor did …. oh for fuck’s sake, enough already!
CANCER – June 21 – July 22
For a few brief moments you feel very proud to have joined in your town’s local Labour Day march until you suddenly realise that you are merely accidentally following a random pedestrian performing a length jaywalk.
LEO – July 23 – August 22
You become an international food industry sensation not to mention a multi-billionaire after discovering that gluten-free products taste a lot better and attract a much wider range of buyers if you just add gluten to them.
VIRGO – August 23 – September 22
Sadly, you have this feeling that should Channel 9’s rehash of that famous UK quiz show, The Weakest Link, ever make it to air, the weakest link could very well be Magda Szubanski.
LIBRA – September 23 – October 22
You’re still embarrassed by the fact that you immediately thought of your husband when the nurse administering your first COVID-10 vaccine injection tried to reassure you by saying you would feel the tiniest of pricks.
SCORPIO – October 23 – November 21
You start saving now so that you can afford to attend the 2032 Olympic Games, or more correctly the 2020 Tokyo Games when they are finally staged.
SAGITTARIUS – November 22 – December 21
You keep wondering why Barry Jones doesn’t swat up on the music histories of US pop singers and the order and timing of their album releases and also sports in general and then go and clean up on Millionaire Hot Seat.
CAPRICORN – December 22 – January 19
You check once more on 9Now and find that Channel 9 is still running news clips from late March as their “9 Latest News” and wonder why the station hasn’t been fined by the ACCC for false advertising.
AQUARIUS – January 20 – February 18
You wonder aloud why Brittany Higgins didn’t mentioned that at her meeting with Prime Minister Scott Morrison yesterday, she had to stand at attention while Morrison slumped on a chair, his knees as wide apart as possible, fiddling with his mobile and facing away from her.
PISCES – February 19 – March 20
After following the Tasmanian state election, you still wonder if you are the only person left in Australia who believes political party leaders when they vow not to govern unless they obtain an outright majority.
ARIES – March 21 – April 19
You suspect that Universal Music has about as much chance of getting the court-awarded $1.5million in damages from Clive Palmer over his use of Twisted Sister’s We’re Not Gonna Take It in a political ad as ex-workers at Townsville Nickel had of ever getting a fair deal after that plant closed.