Prime Minister Scott Morrison and Opposition Leader Anthony Albanese will quit politics for good today – albeit for totally different reasons.
It is believed to be the first time anywhere in the world that both sides of a political aisle have lost their leaders simultaneously, sending their parties scurrying for worthy replacements.
A distraught Mr Morrison heard only late yesterday that his personal Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ has reached “peak appreciation” with his life’s work devoted to showing his complete love for his Maker.
And Mr Albanese’s decision followed deep introspection overnight over the PM’s claims in parliamentary Question Time on Tuesday that he did not have the qualities needed to be the nation’s leader.
The Bug understands Jesus Christ yesterday spoke to Mr Morrison in tongues and said the PM’s never-ending pursuit of the Pentecostal church’s prosperity doctrine to show his complete love for his heavenly father “had reached its natural end point”.
“Cara kara tosa tera tosa nosa sammy cammy wacky brown ( I’m at peak appreciation for your love and devotion to me),” Jesus Christ said in a royal phone hookup.
“Um mau mau mau mau Um mau mau mau mau Goo goo g’joob g’goo goo g’joob I am the eggman, ooh aah ooh (Nothing you can do from now on could possibly make my admiration of your efforts to honour me any greater).”
An emotional Mr Morrison reportedly told his wife Jenny this morning of his decision to resign: “Jesus Christ has given me a good tongue-talking to and He reckons I can’t possibly show Him that I love Him any more than I already have my whole life by squashing anyone who stands in my way of getting ahead and making a decent bob for His glory and our redemption come the Rapture.
“If there’s no reason anymore in trying to amass great wealth to please my Lord and Master even more, then what’s the sense of carrying on?”.
Across the political divide, so many questions have churned through Mr Albanese’s mind after a second night of fitful sleep.
“Was the prime minister spot on,” he told The Bug this morning. “Do I lack the qualities needed to be PM. Sadly, I’ve reached the conclusion he is right.
“Am I capable of running an election campaign chockablock with the most horrendous lies about each and every Liberal policy and not just our usual Medicare scare?
“Am I up to coordinating a vicious social-media campaign that the Libs are going to bring in a huge death tax no matter how untrue that is?
“To throw personal slurs my opponent’s way every time I open my gob on the hustings?
“Of looking like a sports-loving daggy-dad next door while relying on a biased media to get me over the line with fuck-all real policies? Sorry for the French.
“And how the fuck …. sorry … am I going to convince that worker-hating fat slug Clive Palmer to once again spend upwards of $90 million, only this time in saturation ads backing up every lousy lie I make instead?”
Mr Albanese paused for a while to pull himself together before adding: “And what about the things I can’t do from Opposition? Like before the election, of engaging in porkbarreling on a gold standard level never seen before? We thought last time was horrible; the next election is going to be a doozey.
“I can’t spend hundreds of millions of taxpayer dollars on thinly disgusied media ad campaigns touting Labor policies in the leadup to the poll proper.
“Or use taxpayers’ money to send some brown-nosing underling on a parliamentary travelling inquiry road show with no other purpose than to debunk a major Liberal policy, thrashing every tenet of parliamentary ethics and practice in the process?
“Even if I was in power, sure, I could do some of those things but I’m not a big enough cunt to do them all.
“I simply do not have all these ‘qualities’ that Mr Morrison possesses and needs to win a second ‘miracle’ election. Sorry, but that’s the truth of it so I’m out of here.”