In undoubtedly its proudest moment in three decades of world-leading news exclusives, The Bug presents the definitive interview with Christian Porter, recorded yesterday in Canberra!
The Bug: Thanks for your time today, Christian.
Christian Porter: Yes, I am. My faith has always been important to me.
The Bug: Let’s get down to the nitty gritty from the get-go, okay?
Porter: Fine with me. That’s why I’m here. So the public can hear my side of the story. There’s a lot of scuttlebutt going around Canberra about what happened. Some of it has been extremely hurtful and very, very defamatory. And I trust The Bug to treat my story fairly and provide me with the natural justice I deserve. The presumption of innocence still holds in this country or so I’m told.
The Bug: Thank you. From what we know so far, you’re not denying being with that 16-year-old girl?
Porter: That’s correct. It was consensual. We had a lot of fun. Do you want to see the office couch where it happened?
The Bug: Not right now. We’ve got to ask though. Anal sex with anyone at the very first encounter seems rather strange or are we at The Bug just being some sort of Methodist goody-two shoes here?
Porter: Yes, you you are but for me it was just a rite-of-passage thing really.
The Bug: As a Hale fellow?
Porter: Well, yes, I guess. My friends do describe me as a hail fellow well met. And it’s true that I’ve always been a bit of a lad with an eye for the ladies and my workmates do call me “Plug ’em” Porter. Did you know that?
The Bug: No. Do you ever think you’ll see that girl again?
Porter: Maybe. If she ever brings her clapped out L-plated Barina back in here for a service, I’d certainly be up for it if she is!
The Bug: Just to finish off, how long have you been a mechanic here at Ron’s Auto Repairs and Service, Fyshwick, Canberra?
Porter: Started me apprenticeship here four years ago. A-grade mechanic in my own right now. Could start me own business, I suppose, but I’m happy enough here. Pay’s good; no responsibilities.
The Bug: Thanks for your time today. We appreciate you only had a short lunch break.
Porter: Them cars don’t service themselves, eh?
The Bug: Oh, and one last thing. You’re not related to that Christian Porter, the pollie in all that media exposure at the moment?
Porter: Sorry? Who? Never heard of him but then again politics gives me the shits.