PM sparks poll panic

FEDERAL POLITICS:

The sight of the Prime Minister’s motorcade speeding to Government House in Canberra last night sparked wild rumours of an imminent early federal election.

Social media went into meltdown as word spread of the PM’s official vehicle being driven into the grounds of the official residence of Governor-General (Note to subs: Can someone find out who the fuck the GG is before we publish?) and a throng of Australia’s finest political reporters and several Peter van Onselens gathered at the gates and began speculating on a poll date.

However, as the PM’s official C-1 limousine was leaving Yarralumla it stopped, providing media representatives a chance to clarify events.

Prime Minister Morrison alighted from the vehicle to explain that the visit had not been made to seek the Governor-General’s formal approval of an election.

“The only purpose of my visit was to enable His Excellency to recommission me as prime minister in light of my decision to live as a woman,” the now Ms Morrison said.

“The recent alleged rape of a government adviser in Parliament House has shaken me.

“My wife Jenny, as you all know, told me to think as a father when dealing with this issue.

“I have tried to do that but I have still found it difficult to come to grips with all aspects of this very challenging and complex situation.

“So I had another chat with Jen and she told me to think like a woman. That was a revelation to me and I decided to do more than think like a women, but to become one.

“This has raised some legal and constitutional questions about my status as prime minister, given I was a man when previously commissioned.

“So to put the issue beyond doubt I asked His Excellency to recommission and swear me in as prime minister, which he graciously agreed to do,” she said. (main picture)

Ms Morrison said she had chosen to drop her former first name of Scott and would now be known as Shandy Morrison.

This prompted speculation among reporters about whether the PM has chosen her new name based on the short form of the Hebrew name Shoshannah, which in turn is derived from shoshan meaning lily or rose, or if she had chosen Shandy because in northern England and Scotland it described someone who was wild, energetic, or boisterous.

Prime Minister Morrison herself clarified her choice.

“I’ve always liked the name Shandy and thought it’s a perfect fit for me as a woman, given that a few years back I had one shandy too many and absolutely shit myself at the McDonald’s restaurant at Engadine,” she explained.