Shocked fans treated for hours

MELBOURNE: Paramedics have worked though the night to treat tennis fans paralysed by severe shock and incapable of leaving the stands after Sam Stouser made it past the first round of the Australian Open yesterday.

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SYDNEY: Channel 9 has suspended production on its much-vaunted sequel to its popular Married At First Sight reality TV series.

A station spokesperson said the response from a test audience had been “much less than we had hoped for” after they had viewed the first two episodes of Arse-Fucked on the First Night.

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REDLANDS, south Queensland: Local psychologists are dealing with an increasing number of local people totally embarrassed by the fact that Holey Moley was filmed locally.

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MELBOURNE: A livid Tim Wilson has berated the Labor Opposition for not releasing a policy he could viciously attack on the road with a taxpayer-funded parliamentary road-show inquiry.