Craig Kelly joins our team!

The Bug is proud to welcome to its team of crack columnists popular federal politician Craig Kelly. Craig has kindly offered to pen a regular column responding to Bug readers’ questions on a range of issues of worry to them.

Here is his exciting and informative first column.

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Dear Dr Craig
Out for a pub evening meal last night, I’ve stupidly spilled red wine on one of my favourite outfits, a slinky little off-white number that always attracts glances. Any suggestions?

Sandra F, Broken Hill, NSW

Dr Craig replies: Fret not, Sandra. Fill any small kitchen container almost to the top with equal amounts of bicarbonate of soda and white vinegar and add a crushed half-tablet of Ivermectin and a splash of hydroxychloroquine. Mix well and then rub onto the stained area. Allow to dry and then wash at around 40degC in either front or top loading machines and you’ll be amazed by the results.

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Dear Dr Craig
I used to be able to get the missus off with… gosh, this is embarrassing … you know, with just a few minutes going the growl….dining at the Y I think it’s also called … but now I seem to be losing my knack. Any suggestions
?

Robert F, Armidale, NSW.

Dr Craig replies: Yes, that really does suck. More than you can by the sounds of it. Look, I’m not going to claim to be an expert on pleasuring women but before I start giving fifty lashes with the Robert Young, I give the targeted area a squirt with a liquid mixture of Ivermectin and hydroxychloroquine that I keep in a small spray bottle by the workbench. Give it a go and you’ll be popping her cork in record time.

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Dear Dr Craig
I’ve got two “lots of lemon” shrubs growing in pots on my front porch and while I’m getting lots of vegetative growth, no fruit is setting. Any suggestions?

Carol C, Perth.

Dr Craig replies: Finely crush a half-dozen Ivermectin tablets and mix well with an equal amount of hydroxychloroquine. Pour the mixture evenly around the plant stems and repeat daily until fruit starts to appear.

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Dear Doctor Craig
My two primary-school aged boys have caught head lice. Any suggestions?

Shelly M, Noosa, Queensland.

Dr Craig replies: Boy, have you come to the right place. Here’s my own patented treatment. In a small plastic bowl, place a knob of real butter, a half cup of plain flour, a level tablespoon of Vegemite and a splash of water. Melt in the microwave, mix well and then smear the paste all over the lads’ heads. Then make them wear their tinfoil hats for several hours and keep them still with their antennas pointing to true north.

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Dear Dr Craig
I’ve just had a COVID-19 test after waking up a few days ago with a runny nose and a cough. Should I now wait until the test results are back?

Sam J, Bundaberg, Queensland.

Dr Craig replies: Heck, no! Time is of the essence so here’s what you must do and do quickly. You’ll need a two-litre bottle of industrial-strength bleach, protective gloves, two metres of garden hose and a funnel that fits the internal diametre of that hose. Oh, and a little tub of vaseline. And of course a loved one to help. Take your lower clothing off, grab a pillow and stand on your head with your legs up against a wall and placed comfortably apart. Have the hose inserted for as far as possible until it starts to hurt too much and then have the bleach poured in slowly over several minutes. I can guarantee that after this procedure, the chances of contracting COVID-19 will be practically zero.