Follow Kisma’s sage advice – or die!

With the New Year now only days away, a frazzled Kisma Aryias is viewing his crystal balls through tired eyes as he fathoms what lies ahead in 2021 for two more lucky star signists.

In this issue, the world’s most famous and by far the most accurate astrologer … EVER! … Kisma looks at what lies ahead for those born under the signs of Taurus and Gemini.

CANCER
June 21 – July 22

January 1: You rate the overnight New Year’s Eve fireworks on Sydney Harbour a bit of a fizzer but then again your home’s Astor 14-inch black and white television set certainly didn’t help things at all.

January 17: Since you’ve really enjoyed the Netflix limited series, The Queen’s Gambit, you wonder is it’s not too late to become the world chest champion and vow to find out how much lessons and a board cost.

February 14: You commence divorce proceedings after your husband gives you a steam mop as a Valentine’s Day present.

March 29: You are diagnosed with an ego the size of Greg Norman’s and immediately begin chemo and radiation therapy with your oncologist confident that, having been caught early, it can over time be reduced to a manageable size.

April 1: You are not at all shocked to read a fresh column by Parnell Palme McGuinness in a Newscorpse masthead arguing that Tony Abbott was the greatest leader in the history of world politics.

July 23: You kind of feel sorry for Deputy Prime Minister Michael McCormack when you hear on the news that former National Party leader Barnaby Joyce (pictured at top and below) has once again pledged his total and loyal support at this point in time. “I have your back!” Joyce says.

July 24: You are not surprised at all when news from the UK that Queen Elizabeth is feeling unwell leads to online bookies slashing the odds of an Australian republic becoming a reality by year’s end.

August 21: You are rightly alarmed when your family’s recently acquired pet pangolin develops a bad cough.

September 12: Down at your local supermarket, you come across a new brand of toilet paper called Parnell Palme McGuiness that promises “to be really thick and good at dealing with shit”.

November 2: You are diagnosed with yourself but your oncologist is confident that, having been caught early, it can over time be beaten and you can lead a long and fulfilling life.

December 17: You are delighted to hear that among Channel 10’s reality TV programing for 2022 will be I’ve always been a nobody; does anyone really give a shit whether I fucking well get out of here alive or not?

December 23: You are not at all surprised when Queen Elizabeth, having recovered from a health scare some months earlier, uses her annual Christmas speech to describe 2021 as yet another anus horribilis.

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LEO
July 23 – June 20

January 4: You are not at all surprised to see Joe Burns’ cricket kit for sale on eBay.

January 8: But you are a bit by how little the kit finally sells for but then again there were a lot of unseemly red marks on the pads and on the edges of his 12 bats.

February 14: You commence divorce proceedings after your wife gives you a $500 ladies beauty salon gift voucher as a Valentine’s Day present.

March 13: While you are not at all surprised by Premier Mark McGowan’s landslide win in today’s West Australian election, you thought his “na na na naaah na” to PM Scott Morrison and Liberal Premiers over his harsh COVID-19 border policies was a tad unstatesmanlike.

April 1: You are shocked to read a column in The Courier-Mail by Steve Wardill claiming the News Queensland masthead and its sister organ The Sunday Mail had treated Premier Palaszczuk and the Labor Party fairly and squarely in the recent state election.

May 4: In the jungle, the mighty jungle, you’ll sleep well tonight. He, ha helelemama. Ohi’mbube.

May 18: Hearing on the radio that Prime Minister Scott Morrison has vowed there will be no federal election before this time next year, you ring Sportbet to cash in only to find they have also heard the PM’s comments and have already slashed to prohibitive odds the chances of a poll sometime next month.

June 4: You can’t pretend to be sorry when Jacqui Lambie announces her intention to resign as an Australian senator and rejoin the Army at her appropriate rank of acting blank file.

June 20: But you do object a little to the decision by failed OECD Secretary-General candidate Mathias Cormann to reenter the Australian Parliament following a suitable vacancy “to spend less time with his family”.

July 20: And you do cheer when Bob Katter Jr declares he will run again in Kennedy at the next federal election even though he’ll be about 76 if the election is held on time. After all, with so much to be sad about given the state of federal politics, it’s important we also have something to laugh about too, right?

August 5: You are in big trouble with your family after they find out that you lied to them – all to save a miserable couple of thousand dollars, you fucking skinflint! – about the 2021 Ekka having been cancelled because of COVID-21.

October 31: After a big night out, you wake with a blazing headache, dry mouth and nausea and start to worry that you might have contracted redlabelvirus.

November 2: You feel robbed when your reasonably priced pick in the Melbourne Cup is caught in a large pack of runners unable to pass an early frontrunner because of social distancing rules for participating jockeys.

December 31: You suspect you will not be alone when, at the stroke of midnight, you shout “Fuck off 2021” over and over again and even louder than when you fucked off 2020 a year before, and no-one disagrees with your noisy sentiments.