With a New Year approaching, the world’s most famous and by far the most accurate astrologer … EVER! … Kisma Aryias has decided to break with his traditional monthly predictions and do a full year’s prognostifications for his loyal followers.
Today’s two lucky star-sign winners are ….
April 20 – May 2
January 2: While you quite enjoyed Prime Minister Scott Morrison’s Christmas Day message to the Australian people, you still think it might have gone down better if spoken in English rather than in tongues.
January 17: As holder of family tickets to the second day of the Gabba Test against India, you are furious that Cricket Queensland will not refund your ticket costs after the match finishes late on the first day.
February 11: At a night out, you meet the person of your dreams and the one you want to spend the rest of your life with, which is rather unsettling seeing you always thought you were straight.
March 29: After two weeks on Tinder with no swipe rights, you wonder if a little bit less honesty might be needed with a different photo and a change of description from “short, plump, fairly plain and just a little bit smelly”.
April 1: You are shocked to read a column by Andrew Bolt in the Herald Sun praising Victorian Premier Daniel Andrews and expressing the hope that he will stay as Premier for as long as he wants to and then switch to federal politics and become “one of the best Prime Ministers this country has ever had”.
July 23: You hold out great hopes for the Australian side at the delayed 2020 Tokyo Paralympics seeing Australians are notoriously good at being legless.
July 24: A devoted anti-vaxxer, you can’t help but smile when all the various COVID-19 vaccines being used around the world suddenly turn tens of millions of people blind, creating a The Day of the Triffids scenario right around the planet.
August 12: You buy a meat pie the the Royal Queensland Show – the Ekka in Brisbane – and then after taking a bite, make the mistake of asking what sort of meat was in it.
September 12: You are naturally saddened to hear of the death of Queensland Senator Malcolm Roberts, caught outdoors in one of those typical Queensland afternoon thunderstorms and sadly electrocuted when his aluminium skullcap and antenna somehow shorted.
December 17: You are really looking forward to seeing how Kamala Harris will perform as the 47th President of the United States after Joe Biden resigns after being found wandering naked around the Rose Garden and singing a medley of show tunes from South Pacific. (main picture)
December 31: You make a New Year’s resolution to stop swearing so much in 2022 but then immediately shout: “Fuck it!”
May 21 – June 20
January 11: With your workplace due to reopen today after a two-week shutdown, you set aside the first week for apologies over your Christmas party behaviour, which is pretty shameful seeing you only have three work colleagues.
January 12: You are recovering well in hospital after fainting dead away at home when a new hot water system is delivered that the packaging claimed was made in Australia.
January 13: Your recovery was probably helped a little by the observation by a number of nurses that all the component parts of the hot water system were very likely made in China and just assembled here and perhaps the cardboard box it came in was indeed made in Australia.
April 1: You are shocked to watch Sky News After Dark and hear Peter Gleeson praising Anthony Albanese and hoping he will be the next Prime Minister.
April 20: You refuse to believe a newspaper report that claims One Nation Senator Pauline Hanson has had her IQ tested at a whopping 130 and nod wisely when a closer read of the article clarifies that the 130 is the aggregate total for all of the party’s Senators.
May 4: You hope no court will ever convict you after you kinghit a fuckwit at your local shopping centre dressed as Luke Skywalker and brandishing a pathetic looking, cheap and clearly plastic light sabre.
May 18: Your day starts in bitter disappointment after you scan all the major news platforms – both in print and online – and not one of them is reporting the overnight death of John Howard.
June 4: You feel a bit sorry when you read that Clive Palmer has been fined heavily in court for various corporate law breaches. You had been hoping for a lengthy jail term for the dreadful, worker-hating, self-centred, money-hungry cunt.
June 20: You order tickets immediately upon hearing that Peta Credlin is to try her hand at standup comedy, reckoning that if her routine is based on her newspaper columns, she’s going to be an absolute hoot.
July 20: Nothing of any great importance happens today.
August 5: You start to wonder if you might just be one of life’s great losers when you buy a monster Powerball quick pick with 36 games and not one of them has the powerball number or any other number for that matter. You stop wondering when you read somewhere that the chances of that happening are 23 million to one.
October 31: After a big night out, you wake with a blazing headache, dry mouth and nausea and start to worry that you might have contracted fourexvirus.
November 2: You are reluctant to have a $5 each way pensioner bet on today’s Melbourne Cup seeing your pick died on the track last year.
November 3: You can’t believe it’s been a year since Joe Biden lost the US presidential election by a yuge margin.
December 31: While you normally go to bed well before midnight on New Year’s Eve, you will stay wide awake tonight to make sure rotten, shitty, awful 2020 has really ended.