A year’s advice … just to be totally safe

With a New Year approaching, the world’s most famous and by far the most accurate astrologer … EVER! … has decided to break with his traditional monthly predictions and do a full year’s prognostifications, starting today with Capricorucopians and Aquariums.

CAPRICORN
December 22 – January 19

January 3: A visit to your GP confirms your worst fears, making you very much regret your decision to let Santa come at Christmas.

January 27: Being an exceptionally cautious and careful person when it comes to your health, you are far from happy when you become the first Australian victim of a new strain of COVID-19 that can only be spread by people touching elbows.

February 11: Your prediction that Mank would win seven Oscars at the 2020 awards presentations in the US overnight turns out to be only out by seven.

March 29: The shock news that the 2021 Sydney Royal Show has once again been cancelled after a fresh Vaucluse clusterfuck outbreak sees you heading off to the Mercedes showroom to spend the money you and your family have saved.

April 1: You are shocked to watch Rowan Dean on Sky News After Dark lavishly praising Anthony Albanese and hoping he will be the next Prime Minister.

July 23: You are very disappointed with the opening ceremony of the delayed 2020 Tokyo Olympics seeing it was all done with anime at the last moment after the stadium had to be cleared due to the recent worldwide outbreak of COVID-21.

October 15: As a public servant who always works at polling booths on election days to get some extra money, you listen to Scott Morrison’s latest pronouncement that he has absolutely no plans for an early election and will definitely be a full-termer and then automatically set aside a mid-November Saturday for such duties.

December 17: You cancel all holiday travel plans over Xmas New Year after hearing that not only has COVID-22 appeared several weeks early but it’s quite virulent.

December 23: After what happened at the beginning of the year, there’s no way you’ll be letting Santa slide down your chimney, or any other portal come to think of it, this festive season.

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AQUARIUS
January 20 – February 18

January 17: You remain sceptical after reading an entertainment report that Hamish and Andy have a 2021 project in mind that could actually be funny.

April 1: You are shocked to read an article in The Australian by Janet Albrechtsen lavishly praising Anthony Albanese and hoping he will be the next Prime Minister.

May 4: You have a serious rethink about your alcohol consumption after watching Karl Stefanovic at the 2021 Logies and thinking he appeared quite normal.

May 23: You are saddened by the news that Nine Entertainment is to close the print editions of The Sydney Morning Herald and The Sun-Herald after Harvey Normal suddenly ceased all advertising with the two mastheads.

June 30: You wonder what the chances of an early federal election are after Angus Taylor gets through an entire month without being embroiled in some financial or other tawdry scandal of benefit to him and him alone.

July 24: You read that the 2021 Australasian Bubblegum Blowing Championships will go ahead despite some fresh COVID-21 outbreaks around the nation but they will have to be held in a bubble.

August 6: The shock news that the 2021 Queensland Royal Show has once again been cancelled after the outbreak of a fresh coronavirus cluster sees you heading off to the Mercedes showroom to spend the money you and your family have saved.

September 12: You seek psychiatric counselling after a series of erotic dreams that involve Michaela Cash.

September 14: And you are then sectioned and confined to an institution after foolishly admitting to the psychiatrist that one of those dreams involved a threesome with Amanda Vanstone.

September 17: They then throw away the key when you rather stupidly admit that one horrific dream involved a foursome with Cash, Vanstone and a COVID-19 infected pangolin.

October 1: As a school teacher who always works at polling booths on election days to get some extra money, you listen to Scott Morrison’s latest pronouncement that he has absolutely no plans for an early election and will definitely be a full termer and then automatically set aside the first two Saturdays of November for such duties.

November 12: As a public servant who always works at polling booths on election days to get some extra money, you listen to Scott Morrison’s latest pronouncement that he has absolutely no plans for an early election and will definitely be a full termer and then automatically set aside the first two Saturdays of December for such duties.