Trump: I won by a yuge margin!


A bitter dispute over who won the boys’ javelin final has marred the final day of the Australian Under-15 track and field championships in Brisbane.

All hell broke loose in the centre of the QE2 Stadium in the suburb of Nathan when NSW state champion Donald Trump demanded that he be declared the javelin event winner and Australian champion after unleashing a strong throw of 73.803 metres.

“I put in a yuge effort to break my PB by some metres and clearly the people in the stands were rooting for me,” Trump declared.

“There was an unprecedented number of fans there for me. The biggest ever. And I’ve never thrown so far. I won, folks, fair and square!”

Trump stuck his fingers in his ears and shouted “fake news, fake news” over and over again as event officials tried to explain to him that while it was true that his distance certainly surpassed the old national mark and would normally have made him the winner, West Australian athlete Joe Biden, 14, with the final throw of the meet had then also broken the old record in going on to win the event with the new record distance of 79.859 metres.

“No-one in the world knows more about the rules of track and field events than I do.” Trump, 13, shouted. “I’m a sporting rules genius. I clearly threw the new record first!

“My distance was legal and sleepy, dopey Joe Biden’s wasn’t. He cheated because he had Big Wind behind him. He had the lamestream media behind him. His javelin was an illegal size and weight. He’s actually over 15. I’m pretty sure he’s 23. He’s the worst javelin thrower in the history of the sport.

“Clearly I’ve actually won big time. We all know that.”

The situation turned ugly when Trump completely lost his cool, tipping over officials’ tables, spearing one official in a leg with his javelin and demanding that he be given the gold medal.

As dusk fell on the stadium, Trump was still lying on his back on the stadium’s racing track, bawling his eyes out, shouting “I’ve won! I’ve won!” over and over and thumping the synthetic running surface with his fists and the heels of his feet which really made his bone spurs hurt more than normal.