Defence force numbers set to plummet

CANBERRA: Enlistments in all three arms of the nation’s defence forces are expected to fall dramatically in the wake of serious war crime allegations of murder and torture aired yesterday.

An aide to Defence Forces Chief General Angus Campbell (pictured above) has explained why Army, Navy and Air Force commanders are predicting the huge downturn in enlistments that could threaten the nation’s future security.

“Who would want to join up knowing that in the future you could only kill people in the heat of battle and they also had to be military personnel trained to kill you first,” the aide explained.

“Where’s the fun in that?”

Let us in on the scam!

SYDNEY: The Australasian Union of Criminal Money Launderers has urged state and federal governments to let its members in on “excellent land purchase scams” that have come to light over recent times.

“Do you know how long it takes our members to get pensioners on $18 an hour to launder dirty drug money through pokie machines or on the horses at the TAB?” an AUCML spokesperson said.

“Sure, you end up with wads of clean money but the wastage is always very very high.

“If instead we could use ill-gotten monies to buy land that we could then convert to clean cash by flogging off that land to governments for three to ten times its value; well, that would be perfect solution for us.

“We therefore urge governments to let us in on these excellent land-buying scams.”

Winning role to be outlined

SYDNEY: Former Queensland Premier Peter Beattie is expected to use his regular morning media conference outside his home later this morning to explain his key role in the Maroons’ State of Origin win at Lang Park on Wenesday night.

FAA approves 737 MAX for service

WASHINGTON DC: The US Federal Aviation Authority has authorised the Boeing 737 MAX to fly again almost two years after being grounded following two fatal crashes blamed on its computerised avionics system.

An FAA spokesperson said the approval would enable airlines throughout the United States to again use the 737 MAX and the decision was expected to have a flow-on effect, allowing airlines around the world to again use the plane in their fleets.

“However, the FAA wants to stress that its approval of the 737 MAX comes with very, very strict conditions,” the spokesperson said.

“For instance, the 737 MAX usually flies at around 30,000 to 35,000 feet but the FAA is insisting that any airline using the aircraft must ensure that it doesn’t fly at an altitude above zero feet.

“We think it’s a workable solution that balances the need for public safety and the commercial interests of airlines in this very stressful time of restricted travel due to the coronavirus pandemic.”