God Almighty has spoken exclusively to The Bug over his decision over recent days to strike down Donald Trump, the man He chose just four years ago to be the most powerful person on earth.
The interview was taped overnight, Australian time.
The Bug: Thanks for your time today, your …aah.. umm.. your Everywhereness?
God: God Almighty will be fine.
The Bug: Sure. Let’s cut straight to the chase. In his moment of need, you’ve deserted a man who surely was one of your greatest and most loyal supporters, the most devout of followers, even though you once gave him bone spurs which prevented him from being a hero in Vietnam where he would have charged highly defended Viet Cong positions without a weapon.
God: True. He was a true believer. But let’s just say I’ve finally seen through that man. I can’t for the eternity of me understand why it took so long.
The Bug: You’ve certainly stitched him up good and proper over recent days. He did so well in counting on election day but since then, all those mail-in votes firstly turned the rustbelt states blue and now Georgia and Pennsylvania have followed suit, maybe even North Carolina.
God: You can colour that one in too. Actually, Trump would have done very well in mail-ins and other prepolls until I got fed up with him.
The Bug: Oh, my you. You rigged all those votes? It’s you that’s broken his heart? And Paula White’s.
God: Yes, all tampered with. By me. All illegal votes.
The Bug: So for the first time in his four years in the White House, Mr Trump was actually telling the truth for the very first time?
God: Spot on!
The Bug: That’s rather funny when you think about it.
God: Hey, I do have a light side, you know. I hate all those images that make me look so grumpy, so grandfatherly, so aloof and all knowing.
The Bug: Can we ask why it took you so long to see the real Donald Trump, the Orange Baboon, the Bilious Braggart, the Bullshit Artist, the Beaver-Grabbing Buffoon, the Bully-in-Chief, the Babbling Crook, the Blabbering Bore, the Big-Noting Boy in a Man’s Body, the Marketing Brand with No Brain…
God: That’s excellent aliteration.
The Bug: Thank you.
God: No. Thank me.
The Bug: Got it. But seriously, when..
God: Did I first realise he was a chowderhead, a conman, a cretin, a coward, a clown and a complete and total….
The Bug: Careful!
The Bug: Thank you. This is Australia’s No1 family online newspaper and for a second there we thought you were going to say cunt.