As arguably Australia’s most inaccurate amateur psephologist, I am driven, once again, by an uncontrollable urge to put my reputation on the line by providing my countless admirers with the outcome of today’s US election hours early.
Emboldened by my stunningly close prediction for the recent Queensland poll – that at the end of counting last Saturday night, Premier Palaszczuk would win 48 seats and a majority in her own right – I’m clearly up to the challenge.
So, go get a pen and paper because here it comes. And open up your on-line bookie app, because you’re about to make a killing.
Ready? It’s Sleepy, Dopey, Near-Death, Senile, Scrawny Legged, You Could Knock Him Down With An Open Hand Joe Biden in a landslide, winning all the swing states that matter, including Florida, narrowly. Trump can keep Texas.
I’ll let you add up that electorate college tally that result brings about before placing your bets, because as an amateur psephologist, I’m not much into studying and dissecting opinion polls, watching campaigns too closely, studying the key issues and how voters might respond to them, what campaign tactics are the best or trying for that matter to decipher the Yanks’ electoral college system that makes Bjelke’s old gerrymander look democratic.
It’s all done by gut feeling. I wobble my ever-increasing gut and election outcomes form crystal clear in my mind despite the misfiring receptors messing with the ageing synapses throughout what’s left of my brain. What can I say? It’s a talent, okay. A miracle, some would say. The world’s most stable amateur psephological genius.
That result means the Orange Baboon, the Bilious Braggart, the Bullshit Artist, the Beaver-Grabbing Buffoon, the Bully-in-Chief, the Babbling Crook, the Blabbering Bore, the Big-Noting Boy in a Man’s Body, the Marketing Brand with No Brain will have no option but to leave the White House with his bail between his begs…. sorry, his tail between his legs.
If you really want to clean up in this US election and its aftermath, I can provide you all with my bank account details and for a small additional fee, I’ll disclose the actual date down the track when Trump is found guilty of various federal charges and their number, and the exact date in 2024 when he dies in a federal penitentiary from excessive anal bleeding.
Okay, that last one might be more a prediction based on hope and wishful thinking rather than serious psephological research.