Cancer cluster fears allayed

HEALTH MATTERS:

Fears of a cancer cluster at a major Brisbane media outlet have been allayed after tests by medical experts thankfully proved negative.

The large building at the centre of the latest cancer-cluster scare (not pictured above) is being kept secret so as not to alarm the few staff members who were not affected by the symptoms that had appeared over recent months – an ugly brown and rather smelly discolouration all over the nose that then spread alarmingly to cover the mouth and much of the face as the weeks went by.

As the months leading up to Queensland election day last Saturday ticked away, some of the afflicted staff were barely recognisable, including very senior editors, columnists, reporters, subeditors and artroom creatives.

The cancer-cluster scare rekindled memories among older members of the fourth estate of similar fears at the ABC’s Toowong studios some years ago when an unusually large number of female journalists developed breast and other cancers.

Those struck by the mystery ailment this time round were understandably concerned that they were victims of some form of fast-spreading skin cancer, possibly a deadly and previously unknown melanoma.

Their relief was said to be palpable when biopsies from all of them proved that the seemingly unstoppable brown stain was not cancerous at all – just caked-on shit that has since been sourced to the wrinkled arsehole of an 89-year-old, money-hungry, self-centred, ethically challenged and increasingly demented New York cunt.