Things looking up for PM

THE SHIRE: Prime Minister Scott Morrison has been spotted in his electorate of Cook in Sydney’s south proudly wearing his new prescription glasses.

The PM reportedly went to Specsavers late in the week after mistakenly thinking he spotted 40 stranded Patrick container ships off the coast while taking an early morning jog with his security detail on Wanda Beach.

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WASHINGTON, DC: Hospitals across the United States have been inundated with people suffering from uncontrollable projectile vomiting and federal health authorities suspect all the cases are COVID-19 related.

All the patients had apparently spent some time first wondering and then visualising – if only for the briefest of moments – if First Lady Melania Trump had caught coronavirus from having sex with her husband.

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SYDNEY: The man who coined the phrase “good stuff!” much loved by television news presenters, other celebrities and Eddie Maguire has been found dead in a street in near-city Tempe.

He had been tortured for some hours before being dismembered, his head stuck on a fence post and his body parts burnt and then fed to stray dogs. Police say there are no suspicious circumstances.

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CANBERRA: Governor-General David Hurley has finally come out.

He was spotted in public yesterday. Well, at least journalists armed with file photos of the former army general back in his serving days were pretty sure it was him.