The world’s most accurate astrologist wishes to apologise unconditionally for the slight delay in presenting his prognostications and predictions for the month.
Something came up that he hadn’t foreseen.
September 23 – October 22
With COVID-19 threatening to spread like a Californian wildfire through United States political ranks, you wonder who under the American Constitution, is 2,321st in line for the presidency should the worst come to worst.
October 23 – November 21
With the rest of the world, you are relieved when a second test on US President Donald Trump comes back negative for COVID-19, the first swab having mistakenly misread a totally separate condition he has suffered from all his life – IQ-19.
November 22 – December 21
A person of strong faith, you remain hopeful that some of the crew of those 36 ships that sank off Port Botany last week might still be found alive in air pockets inside those hulls resting on the seabed and can somehow still be rescued safely.
December 22 – January 19
Normally a very nice person, you wonder if it’s terribly wrong to be so deliriously happy that the Cronulla Sharks have been bundled out of the NRL finals and that your joy, bordering almost on a pathological delirium, is all because the loss to Canberra would have really shitted off you-know-who.
January 20 – February 18
You are rushed to hospital suffering acute shock after you flick through the news pages of The Courier-Mail and find an article mildly supportive of the Queensland Labor government.
February 19 – March 20
You hear Clive Palmer’s United Australia Party’s campaign for the Queensland state election has hit a big hurdle after the Queensland Electoral Commission ruled he can’t run the same close family members in multiple seats.
March 21 – April 19
Thinking about Clive Palmer and his advertising for that election – promising to drain the swamp and make Queensland great again, etc, etc – you wonder if the fat, money-hungry, worker-hating slob has ever had an original idea in his life.
April 20 – May 20
You can’t believe your luck when, walking down a darkened alleyway carrying a 7kg cricket bat, you encounter the person who invented reality TV.
May 21 – June 20
It finally dawns on you that Christmas is just around the corner when you notice reindeer steaks in the meat section of your local Aldi store.
June 21 – July 22
Your concerns about how well aircraft have been maintained during the COVID-19 crisis are only heightened when you take your first domestic flight in three months and notice the blueberry muffin you’ve paid $4.50 for had a use-by date of February 21, 2020.
July 23 – August 22
You drive past the front entrance of The Courier-Mail up in Bowen Hills and you’re fairly positive it was former Premier Peter Beattie you saw banging on the security doors and shouting he had some new insights into the October 31 state election that could really help the Labor cause.
August 23 – September 22
This year aside, due to COVID-19, you wonder why Victorians always bang on so loudly about why the AFL grand final must always be played at the MCG. It’s the AFL, for fuck’s sake, not the VFL! Has been for yonks.