Aunty causes havoc

The Bug’s resident sexologist Dr Dick has been locked down for the past few six weeks in a Melbourne hotel room. Thankfully housekeeping staff found and freed him from his custom-made studded leather harness that had inexplicably malfunctioned and he has now been released from hospital and is free to respond to readers’ queries.    

Dear Dr Dick

For most  of my 84 years life I have been a diehard fan of the 7.45am ABC Radio news.

Even as a teenager I would do anything to make sure I could listen to the quarter-to-eight bulletin every morning.

It wasn’t the news itself that drew me in, but the Majestic Fanfare theme tune.

For some reason that’s still not really clear, that 18 seconds of orchestral music has always sparked deep and very base sexual urges in me.

In fact in my high school years the school bus often left my stop without me because the ABC news theme had aroused me it was necessary for me to, shall we say, satisfy my urges.

Growing older, the 7.45am ABC news bulletin came to play a big part in my love life, actually it became an addiction. I couldn’t “perform” without it.

As a young man my girlfriends wondered why I had no interest in having sex with them at any other time of the day except spot on 7.45 am. With the bedside radio turned on, so was I.

As you may be aware, ABC Radio News has dropped its flagship 7.45 am bulletin and drastically shortened the opening theme to just a few seconds for its hourly bulletins.

While a 10-minute 7 am bulletin features the original longer Majestic Fanfare theme my body is accustomed to hearing it 45 minutes later so I can no longer perform as I once could.

I can’t get aroused at all, and my wife is on my back – and not in a good way.

What can I do?  

Dick Dribble, Sydney

PS: Please don’t use my real name as it always embarrasses me.

Dear Dick Dribble

First of all, I am very sorry for using your real name. Please accept my apologies. I mean no disrespect.

Second, the ABC is cutting jobs and rearranging news bulletins to save millions of dollars because the Abbott, Turnbull, and now Morrison governments have cut its funding, and all you can worry about is your withered old todger?

Even someone who is 84 must have surely heard of a tape, cassette, or even nowadays, an audio recorder on a mobile phone.

Ever thought of just replaying a recording of the theme tune at 7.45am you stupid, randy old goat? Again, I mean no disrespect.