Beattie caves in to pressure


A contrite Peter Beattie has publicly apologised to the Queensland ALP for twice using the mass media to explain how great the state would be now if he were still Premier.

“But I never intended my comments to be twisted to suggest the current Palaszczuk government was not doing a fine job because it is,” Mr Beattie, the state’s leader from 1998 to 2007 said outside Parliament House in George Street bright and early this morning.

“And I mean that, I really do. I think Annastacia has handled the COVID-19 pandemic brilliantly and her government’s blueprint for economic recovery once the virus is contained is equal to none,” he said, adopting that serious look he used so effectively while in power to emphasis his statesmanlike qualities.

“I meant, of course, second to none,” he added, changing expression to that cheeky, tooth-filled grin so quickly that even Bob Katter Jnr would be impressed.

“I just think my ideas for recovery are good ones that should be adopted.”

Mr Beattie then slapped both hands over his mouth and exclaimed: “Shit. There I go again!”

“I’m sorry, I really am,” he added, putting on that “I’ve been a naughty boy who needs to be whipped hard” look that captivated Queenslanders for about the first half of his premiership.

“But I just know I can’t help myself.

“And that over the next six or so weeks the Courier and Sunday Mails are going to ring me a number of times for my opinion on the campaign and what I would do if Queenslanders were lucky enough to still have me as their charismatic leader.

“And I know I’ll just say some commonsense and logical things that will be beaten up out of all proportion, made to look as if I’m highly critical of the Labor team and its promises, and used to muddy the campaign waters in the LNP’s favour.

“Honestly, I think it would be best if I grabbed some basic supplies, found a small cave somewhere up on the Lamington Plateau near Springbrook, threw away my mobile and used some bloody big rocks to block myself in until November 1.”

No sooner had Mr Beattie uttered those words when a large maroon-coloured sedan bearing the ALP’s campaign logo and a lovely photo of Annastacia Palaszczuk down both sides pulled up, two burly men got out and bundled a clearly startled ex-Premier inside and the car sped off to join the southbound lanes of the Riverside Expressway.