Aust scientists’ COVID-19 breakthrough!


Take a bow, Australia. Our top scientists have beaten the world to a practical COVID-19 solution – and it’s not even a vaccine!

CSIRO experts have developed a phone app that identifies any people who are currently infected with coronavirus, even if they are non-symptomatic, allowing them to be quarantined until the infection passes.

The invention will allow countries around the world to flatten any recurring coronavirus curves quickly, allowing expensive PPE and hospital resources to be deployed only where they are needed most, and allowing economies to recover quickly and get citizens back to normal living.

Senior research scientist and molecular biodynamacist at CSIRO Dr Sal M’Anipulata explained the reasoning that went into the app’s invention.

“All the word’s focus seemed to be on finding a vaccine, but what if that never happens?

“And what if this virus can re-infect victims over and over like the common cold or the flu?” Dr M’Anipulata asked.

“Our app gets to the basic core of the problem; when someone is COVID positive and regardless of whether they are showing symptoms or not, the app quickly turns the victim’s skin colour bright orange and exposed skin areas are stamped repeatedly with a “COVID Untreatable” or CUNT stencil to reinforce the message that there may never be a coronavirus cure and containment is the only answer and they can be quickly isolated.

The image at top shows how Home Affairs Minister Peter Dutton would look if he inserted the new app correctly and his COVID-19 returned.

“We picked orange seeing it’s a politically correct and socially acceptable colour seeing no race of humans are orange. And, besides, who on earth would want to look orange by choice?” Dr M’Anipulata explained.

“The colour and the stencils fade as soon as the infection period passes and returns immediately if the virus reactivates.

“This is a win-win for health authorities and governments everywhere.

“The app can be downloaded to any smart phone and the only downside to this remarkable breakthrough is that, like thermometers of old, the app has to be taken rectally.

“We in fact got that idea from the original COVID app,” the scientist explained. “You know how so many Australians told Scott Morrison to shove his COVIDSafe app up his arse?

“Well, with this app you really have to, and some smart phones and android models might not work too well afterwards or be hard to read.

“But we’re fairly confident we’ll soon modify the app so it can be taken orally or even, as temperatures are now quickly taken, by holding your smartphone close to your forehead.”