Having fun in a COVID world

The scourge of COVID-19 and the strict social distancing rules that have come with it have many single people anxious about how to react to those circumstances. The Bug’s world famous sexologist Doctor Dick – also a master of virology – has responded to a number of pleas for urgent help.dr dick dinkus


Dear Doctor Dick
I’m a healthy young single woman who’s not ashamed to admit I love sucking knobs. Since puberty it’s been my thing. I know it sounds a bit quirky and some people might ask: ‘What does she get out of it?” but it’s my thing and I get off on it, okay?

So my obviously question is this: when I’m sucking a knob I haven’t sucked before, what risk am I of catching coronavirus?

I’ve attached a video of a recent knob-sucking spree I went on and as you can see, it’s not as if I’m going to be coughed on, is it?

And each knob is at least two metres apart so surely social distancing is not a problem?

So help put my mind at rest.

Stradbroke Island, south Queensland.

Dr Dick replies:

Sadly, Knobful, I have to advise you right from the outset that you are very much in danger of catching COVID-19 from your fetish, if that’s what it can be called.

It’s something I must admit I haven’t encountered before in almost 40 years of sex counselling. I assume your video is of a floor of an apartment building and yes, it’s clearly true that each of the doorknobs you are sucking are a fair distance apart.

But how many hands have touched those door knobs before you worked your way up the corridor sucking them?

And you clearly make no effort to use a quality sanitising gel to disinfect each knob or indeed, and give yourself a good two-minute gargle yourself between each knob suck.

I don’t know how many doorknob suckers there are out there but I think any woman – or man for that matter – down on their knees and about to suck a new doorknob deserves to know a bit of its history and whether its sexual health has been looked after, don’t you?


Dear Doctor Dick

I’m attracted to overweight men with orange-coloured skin and yellow/silvery hair and I love nothing more than to suck on the nape of their neck and the back section of their thinning bouffant.

They clearly can’t cough on me from where I’m standing and we never have sex because he can’t get it up so surely I can’t get COVID-19 from doing that?

Buffalo, New York State

Doctor Dick replies: Please tell me you’re joking, Gladys?

It’s been known that some of the missives to me over the decades have been made up and this surely must be one of them?

The consequences of the actions you have described could be uge. You could become a compulsive liar and a sociopathic narcissist. You could start using childish nicknames to put down your opponents and enemies, and that’s just about everybody.  Your IQ could slump to the late 40s. A quick explosion of bone spurs is also a distinct possibility.

Dear Doctor Dick
I’m as toey as a roman sandal right now and desperate for a right-royal rogering but how can that happen if the man has to stay 1.5 metres away from me?

Rockhampton, Queensland

Doctor Dick replies: No African-American chaps in your area?