PM on a firm war footing at all times

FEDERAL POLITICS:

Social media trolls who lambasted the Prime Minster for going missing for much of the past week now have egg all over their faces!

Why? A Bug world exclusive can reveal Scott Morrison remained hard at work protecting Australians from attack and keeping the country’s borders safe from his war-room bunker deep under Parliament House (pictured at top).

Not that any proof was needed that the Father of our Nation and much-loved wartime leader would waiver in his duty to us all but The Bug is proud to reprint some of his diary notes from the bunker as he steered the war effort on several threatening fronts.

The PM’s comments have been retyped as his handwriting gives clear evidence of the enormous workload our national leader is undertaking on behalf of a grateful nation. That, or too many whiskies. Nevertheless, the stress levels must be enormous.

Friday July 3: 12.23pm: Just gave my last media conference upstairs, explaining why I would not be travelling to the war front on our eastern border as I could achieve much more here maintaining national morale, cohesion and focus. I’ll leave the recapture of Eden-Monaro to my generals on the ground.

Friday, July 3, 3.25pm: That nice Peter Hartcher rang to say he thought it would be timely if he wrote another long article on how brilliantly I alone have lead the fight against Covid-19 and the miraculous turnaround it has made to my political fortunes. I said I accepted the general premise of his observations.

Saturday, July 4. 11.15am: My speech therapist came down and we went over my media performance yesterday. He was proud of how few words I mispronounced on the occasion. I didn’t have the heart to tell him it took 23 takes.

Saturday, July 4, 10.31pm: Casualty figures from the Eden-Monaro front suggest the chances of recapturing this strategic ground are now looking grim. Maybe in hindsight I should have commanded my forces on the ground, especially as the coronavirus would have given me the perfect excuse for not shaking any of the troops’ hands.

Monday, July 6: 11am: Still coming to grips with the decision by Matthias Cormann to quit politics. He rang to say he’d be leaving on November 31. I didn’t have the heart to correct him when he rang back to say he’d examined the numbers of the AEC website and offered his congratulations on our imminent landslide victory in Eden-Monaro.

Monday, July 6: 2.21pm: Peter van Onselen wants to talk to me also. I wonder which of the Peter van Onselens it will be this time? I hope it’s the one who keeps tweeting that I can’t possibly lose the next federal election. I find his astute political observations invigorating. He’s got major academic qualifications, you know.

Tuesday, July 7: 3.33pm: I’m starting to think it’s really important for the nation’s morale that no further mention is made of what happened on the Eden-Monaro front. In hindsight, maybe I should have upped the ante in my comments late last week and claimed we were going to spend $470 billion on fancy stealth missiles. I’ll do that from now on.

Tuesday: July 7; 4.10pm: Still chuckling over social media reports that Shark 1 has been tracked flying south from Brisbane which means I must have been holidaying in Queensland. Morons. That’s my decoy Shark 1 and the real plane is nearby at the former RAAF Base Fairbairn having some modifications done that Jen recommended. As she remarked the other day: “Hon, we’re all in this together so we may as well make it as comfortable as possible.”

Wednesday July 8. 9am: Well, I guess it’s time to head upstairs and say something to make our relationship with China deteriorate even further if that’s at all possible as I strive to keep our borders strong. Besides, this bunker is starting to stink with all this cigar smoke. Even the Canberra bubble upstairs would smell better than this. And, besides, these low ceilings have made it almost impossible to fully raise my right arm with palm upward as I chat in prayer with Jesus Christ, my Lord and Master.