Winter might be coldish in the barely habitable southern parts of Australia but if the world’s most famous soothsayer says you’re hot to trot and get out and enjoy life as COVID-19 restrictions are lifted, then OFF YOU GO!
You Melburnians can don your long black overcoats and matching designer scarves and gloves and Uber off for a socially distanced and overpriced rissoto or watery pasta or double-shot goat’s milk affogato with tumeric flecks and Kisma Aryias will keep you safe.
No-one on Kisma’s watch should have any fear at all of a winter of any discontent whatsoever.
May 21 – June 20
As someone who has been an insomniac their entire adult lives, you get excited by news that a new therapy has been doing wonders in lengthy trials with hundreds of those who cannot sleep: it’s a long-playing CD of the media interviews of federal education minister Dan Tehan.
June 21 – July 22
You also hear the tapes at one experimental stage had also included post-match comments by Australian golfer Adam Scott but too many of the patients taking place in the trials were dying in their sleep.
July 23 – August 22
You hoped to book a cruise on the Ruby Princess for 2021 but are surprised as to how much you are expected to cough up.
August 23 – September 22
Blanche D’Alpuget has asked that people stop comparing Scott Morrison with her late husband Bob Hawke as the comments have had “the dear old boy spinning out of control in his grave”.
September 23 – October 22
You are not surprised when you hear that international medical experts agree that the “first true second wave” of COVID-19 will most likely be in Mexico.
October 23 – November 21
You start to wonder if the federal government’s second stimulus payment of $750 will still come in July, what with the $700 million-plus it’s had to find to pay back falsely and most likely illegally collected Robodebt monies.
November 22 – December 21
With fans likely to be allowed back to sports stadiums shortly as COVID-19 restrictions are eased, you are hopeful that first stimulus payment of $750 received a few months back from the federal government should just about cover the admission prices plus food and drinks for your family.
December 22 – January 19
You understand completely when countless pubs and clubs across NSW change their names to Crown Casino so the Berejiklian government will bend over backwards to let them reopen straight away and allow as many pokie players in as they like.
January 20 – February 18
You start to harbour suspicions as to how many copies of A Bigger Picture former Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull has actually sold considering you’ve hardly heard a single mention of the tome’s sales figures since a blast of publicity just before its publication date declared it was already a blockbuster.
February 19 – March 20
Those suspicions are only heightened when you see a car in your street with its tyres removed and with each of its wheel rims sitting on a half-dozen stacked copies of the book.
March 21 – April 19
You notice that packs of Kleenex toilet paper at the supermarket have the boast of a “complete clean” on the packaging so you assume they must come with a free mirror.
April 20 – May 20
You are rightly appalled when you find one-kilogram packs of “live mussels” in your local Coles deli. The idea of these poor little creatures stuck staring at the insides of their shells in very cool conditions on a bed of ice for only God knows how long and however far they’ve come from has you Googling for the appropriate animal rights group to join.