PM’s empathy coach walks out


Prime Minister Scott Morrison’s empathy coach has quit the job in dramatic fashion.

The Bug understands the human behavioural sciences expert who is also one of the nation’s top clinical sociologists walked after the PM failed a “marker” test late last week – namely to sob openly when presenting the “budget day” horror economic and job-loss data in Canberra alongside Treasurer Josh Frydenberg.

“If he couldn’t pretend to do that for me after the hundreds of hours of coaching and counselling we’ve put in, I couldn’t see any sense in continuing the sessions,” Doctor Seymour D’Ecencie told us from the Robert James Lee Hawke behavioral sciences wing at La Trobe University.

“While a sociopath will never, ever, have an ounce of empathy, most can fake that quite naturally and brilliantly in order to achieve their sinister and narcissistic goals.

“The remainder can, over time, be taught how to feign it so I really don’t know what Mr Morrison’s problem is,” he said.

“That Canberra media conference started well enough, and when he slowed down his delivery markedly from the outset and tried to make his lower lip tremble just as we had practised, I truly felt a Hawkie-level sobathon was about to happen.

“I remember thinking to myself ‘the waterworks aren’t far off now’ so you can understand my frustration when he couldn’t pull that off.”

Dr D’Ecensie said he had only set the marker after the PM had shown good progress over recent months.

“We’ve been sharing hundreds of viewings together of those basement scenes from Silence of the Lambs where Buffalo Bill is hunting Jodie Foster’s character and it’s only been recently that Mr Morrison has stopped laughing all the way through, pulling the wings off fake butterflies I’ve provided  and shouting things like ‘you’ll make a great lampshade, Clarise!’

“It was only in the last few sessions that I could get him to say ‘I’m feeling a bit sorry for her’ as if he really meant it.

“But now he’s let me down in Canberra. I’ve given up on him, I really have.

“Until he can fake real human emotions and at least come across as a normal, decent person, I can’t see a role here for me at all or indeed a long-term future for him politically.

“The PM has got to realise that his current high standing with the public over his COVID-20 leadership will fade quickly.

“Lying back in 2018 that he had gone down on his knees and sobbed openly about kids in refugee detention is perfectly fine for any sociopath trying to garner public sympathy.

“But actually bunging on such a performance in public – especially a convincing one worthy of an AACTA gong – would do his political fortunes no harm at all.

“He’s got to understand that – or at least pretend to.”