Want to be Liberated? PM shows how

PANDEMIC LATEST:

A fired-up Scott Morrison has lashed out this morning at criticism of his plan linking any further easing of coronavirus lockdown and social distancing rules to a minimum uptake of at least 42 per cent of the government’s new GOLIB-22 app.

“My fellow Australians have earned an early mark for their efforts to date but with that extra freedom comes extra responsibility,” the prime minister said on Friday when announcing the new app.

The PM’s hastily called conference this morning followed widespread crticism of Friday’s trade-off announcement, with one non-Newscorpse scribe calling the GOLIB-22 app target “blackmail”.

Mr Morrison today angrily denied the blackmail claim and also defended his “we can’t keep Australia under the doona” comment from Friday, prompting a senior Cabinet minister who asked not to be named to confide in The Bug: “The Father of the Nation is a bit tetchy today.”

The PM had made it clear on Friday that any further relaxation of the movement of Australians, the reopening of pubs, clubs and cinemas and a return to sports fixtures and the like would only take place if there was a 42 per cent uptake by the end of next week of the GOLIB-22 app.

Those who download the app are asked to pledge their support for the re-election of “the only party that could have provided such superb leadership during this pandemic crisis and to guide us safely through to the other side and a much brighter tomorrow”.

The app also makes provision for easy, ongoing contributions to the Liberal Party for its 2022 election campaign. People can also sign up to volunteer on the hustings in two years.

Top political commentators and at least two of the current Peter Van Onselen personalities doing the rounds pointed out to The Bug that the app makes perfect sense as 42 per cent of the primary vote is considered essential for the LNP to have a good chance at election time.

Of his doona comment, Mr Morrison said today: “Lighten up people; it was just a throwaway line in a time of great national crisis to lessen the tension a bit.”

“It’s what a natural leader does.”

At Friday’s media call, Mr Morrison had patted his balding pate and joked: “This is from too many U-turns under the doona!

“Blokes like me have got to get out of the house before we go completely bald!

“Plus there’s the inevitable shame and remorse from committing and enjoying such an act and that means I’ll be doubling my attendances and happy-clapping with greater vigour than normal at the Horizon Church for many, many days when I can.”

REMORSEFUL EDITOR’S NOTE: What with it being the Sabbath and all, The Bug wants to take this opportunity to apologise unconditionally if this story has in any way whatsoever conjured up stomach-churning images of the Australian Prime Minister “going the growl”, “yodelling up the Valley”, “Inflicting 50 lashes with the Robert Young”, “Dining at the Y” or “Tucking into a Tuna Taco”.