With increasing signs that COVID-19 stay-at-home and social restrictions are soon to being eased, it’s hard to believe we will all be back out before we know it paying far too much for an Espresso con panna or a hotdog on a stale bun and a flat amid-strength schooner at the footie.
With people stuck at home for weeks now, it’s perfectly understandable that they might be reluctant to make those first awkward steps back out into the real but scary world that awaits them.
The world’s most famous star signist is here to make those first tentative steps as safe as possible.
April 20 – May 20
You go to the ABC’s iview site to see if it was really true that Insiders host David Speers interrupted Labor’s Home Affairs spokesperson Kristina Keneally 321 times in their interview on Sunday, thus setting a Guinness world record.
May 21 – June 20
With supermarkets now easing restrictions on how much toilet paper people can buy, you wonder if the manufacturers have stepped up production or are people just shitting less because they’re not dining out at curry and kebab houses or fast-food outlets.
June 21 – July 22
While you’re not a particularly religious person, you find yourself hoping and a’prayin’ along with Scott Morrison that he can remove COVID-19 restrictions in time for life to return to normal – namely that Hillsong’s mega annual conference in Australia’s largest indoor venue, Qudos Bank Arena, in Sydney from June 29 to July 2 can go ahead as planned.
July 23 – August 22
You wonder about the wisdom of starting a fight with China seeing it’s apparently the only country capable of currently providing Australia with all the COVID-19 equipment such as PPEs that it urgently needs.
August 23 – September 22
You are not alone in starting to wonder if the federal government’s $130 billion jobs retention package is fast going the way of the $2 billion bushfire recovery fund – namely up in smoke.
September 23 – October 22
While you’re not a stingy person, you do wonder why the cover price of the weekend copies of the Sydney Morning Herald and Sun-Herald have not been slashed by at least half the price seeing that of recent weeks they’ve only been half the normal size.
October 23 – November 21
You start to suspect Australia’s in a pretty sad way when the restart of the NRL season seems to be the most important thing that needs to happen in the months ahead to ensure the nation’s future prosperity and well-being in a post-COVID-19 world.
November 22 – December 21
You seek urgent professional psychiatric help after being lured by the over-the-top promotional advertising on the Nine network to take in an episode of Hamish Blake’s Lego Masters show.
December 22 – January 19
With Mad as Hell having finished its most recent run, you’re been wondering where you won’t be getting your Wednesday night’s laughs from now on but you then check the TV schedule.
January 20 – February 18
When you hear the Channel 9 6pm Sydney news say that there were almost as many approaches to a return to classroom teaching as there were schools in New South Wales, you really start to wonder who writes this shit and when the fuck did quality journalism end?
February 19 – March 20
You hope no-one else in the mainstream media refers to Scott Morrison as the “Father of our Nation” any time soon as all your chuck buckets are full and you’re not feeling well enough to empty them right now.
March 21 – April 19
You’ve got a few ideas of your own so you’re keenly awaiting the announcement by Carnival Corporation and Princess Cruises of the competition to rename their death ship, the Ruby Princess, to something more saleable and sailable. Unless. of course, the cruise line has some other plans for the vessel?