Picture this: the entire Kata Tjuta formation fucking Uluru doggie style.
That’s the closest I can get to imaging the true size of Malcolm Turnbull’s ego.
Not enough? Should we throw in Mount Everest and make it a sordid threesome?
However we picture it, Turnbull’s ego is beyond a normal person’s comprehension, is it not?
We mere mortals, many of us blessed with the self-doubt that naturally destined us for mediocrity, can only marvel about how such an ego came about in the first place.
Did daddy always talk up the heart-broken lad after mummy walked out when his IQ was still only in the low 120s?
Was it when Turnbull turned a pittance of an inheritance of only some $29 million into a much larger figure through having the Packers as employers and some very lucky connections in the early days of the dial-up internet? Power me up, Malcolm!
Because, sadly, we really need to face some brutal home truths.
Much of how we perceive Turnbull is a fog of mythology stirred up by public relations spin.
We have constantly been reminded he’s supposed to be very intelligent. I’ve never seen any real sign of it. Are we supposed to believe this because he was a successful journalist, barrister, banker and businessman?
I’ve known three blokes – no banker but certainly a top scribe, barrister and successful business bod – whose combined IQ still wouldn’t be enough to make them eligible for Mensa membership.
He’s supposed to have attitudes and beliefs that suggest he really should have joined the Australian Labor Party from the get-go. I’ve never seen any sign of them. He’s a dreadful Tory at heart; always has been; always will be.
Turnbull is and will always remain a right-wing warrior who believes in trickle-down economics, in screwing the working class and probably hates public servants as much as he loves looking after his privateer mates.
His supposed intellect means he can spot frauds and charlatans a mile away. But he still created a powerful super ministry and handed it to the Spud with Dead Eyes, the man he now reckons would have been an absolute disaster as PM.
He clearly thinks he’s a natural leader of men. I’ve never seen any sign of that either.
I’ve bought garden tools from Bunnings that lasted longer than his first stint as Liberal leader.
He is supposed to be a very erudite, silver-tongued devil. Nope. Not that either. I hadn’t heard so many “you knows” on that Leigh Sales’ interview the other night than when my local lawn mower repair man explained why his bill was so high.
He’s supposed to be a basically decent and honest person; yet he waffles on unashamedly when he’s progressing an argument that any decent person with only a fraction of his ego would know was total bullshit. And you can see deep down that he knows too. With that tell, he’d make a shit poker player.
Enough, already. Let’s cut to the chase and dissect two of Turnbull’s recent statements, one before and one in the shadow of the release of A Bigger Picture.
One: That he would have won the 2019 election if the Liberals had stayed true to him. He did, after all, say once he’d be prime minister as long as he wanted, and winning in 2019 must surely have been a key part of that grand egotistical plan.
It’s the “would have” that takes my breath away. Mere humans would at the very least entertain “could have” or “might have”.
The guy had just jettisoned every thing he had ever believed in to try to save his prime ministership. Going to the people without core policies would pose difficulties for someone less blessed with genius.
Couple that with a performance on the 2016 hustings that showed he had about as much connection with average Australians as Rupert Murdoch has to decent, honest and professional journalism and his chances were fair at best.
Two: That Scott Morrison didn’t deserve to win last year’s federal election.
No decent Australian would disagree with that but Turnbull’s reasoning is completely erroneous.
Turnbull thinks Morrison shouldn’t have won because of what he did to God’s gift to 21stC Australian politics. Him.
Yet reverse their roles in the madness of that mid-term Liberal leadership spill and Turnbull would not – WOULD not – have pulled off the unwinnable election that Morrison managed.
I’m trying to pay Mr Harbourside Mansion a compliment here, if it can enter his ego shield and he can even remotely comprehend it.
Deep down, despite his many faults, Turnbull could not have executed the Daggy Dad, safe-pair-of-hands shtick that Morrison maintained throughout the 2019 campaign in the absence of any real policy framework.
He certainly could not have told so many lies as easily as Morrison did without blushing as only a true Pentecostal Christian can do, totally distorting just about every policy Labor cooked up and making up with Josh Frydenberg’s help a key one – Labor’s “death tax” plan.
I’d like to think Turnbull would not have stooped to the extent of the porkbarreling through the corrupt sports rorts and other dodgy programs raided to shore up marginal seats. At least he might have had enough class and nous to keep his own hands clean unlike the Liar from the Shire.
No. We don’t need a bigger picture – a quick sketch will do – to know that Turnbull would not have won the election Morrison stole with the massive help of that anti-Labor $90 million ad blitz from that fat, lazy, worker-hating cunt from Queensland.
Turnbull will forever be, for me, a shiny show pony who in his own mind offered so much yet delivered so little to so many disappointed people.
The reality is that he clearly saw his destiny as being prime minister for life and then the first president of the Australian republic – a title he would no doubt make hereditary.
Oh, and let’s not forget that despite being a republican and supposedly a natural leader he did absolutely zero as PM to put the republic issue back on the national agenda.
He is now seething with undisguised fury that the prime ministership was taken away from him.
And yet we are entitled to wonder why? Turnbull has always believed in policies aimed at reducing the role of the federal government to one of irrelevancy.
Even at the 2016 poll, Turnbull was already pushing the notion that the states should bear a much larger burden for all sorts of things, and the Feds would look after private education funding as is its primary duty.
We should never forget that the very basis of Morrison’s clever pitch to greedy Australians last May – a massive flattening of the personal income rates so that “more Australians can keep more of their own money” was Turnbull’s idea. Never mind that it would strip the federal government of the funds needed to do the things Australians expect of it. And that was before COVID-19 coughed into view.
Turnbull wanted the fawning devotion from everyone beneath his station in life – and that’s everybody – without ever really wanted to do the hard yards.
Still, let’s all take comfort that the stinging words contained in this rant will not hurt the great man one iota. It’s why I know deep down that all this talk in his memoir of depression and thoughts of self-harm are total bullshit. Such human frailities are beneath the great man.
There’s as much truth to that as the rumours being spread by certain fellow authors and senior political scribes who should know better that A Bigger Picture is going gangbusters at the book stores. A blockbuster before its launch, claimed one.
My suspicion is that after a brief buying surge from political tragics and Turnbull himself, sales right now are about as strong as Scott Morrison’s commitment to basic Christian values.
Turnbull can sell 10 million copies of A Bigger Picture and he will forever remain to me a complete and utter….