Origin death toll cause ridiculed

EXTREME SPORT:

bolts borderThe JDG has slammed as “total bullshit” claims that blame for the higher than normal death toll in Wednesday night’s opening Origin of the Species clash between Queensland and New South Wales rests entirely with it as the game’s supreme governing body.

And the JDG’s lead lawyer Dicky Shearman blasted claims that the death toll was abnormally high because of the current coronavirus crisis and that the JDG should have heeded calls by government and medical experts to abandon the game.

“Every fucking so-called expert is now wringing their hands because we lost nine players on the night,” scoffed Shearman, who is also the Brisbane Bolts’ lawyer.

“Every player’s decapitating lance was at least two-metres long, which more than covers the current 1.5 metre social distancing rules,” Shearman said. “So coronafuckingvirus had nothing to do with the death count.”

The Queensland Morons beat the New South Wales Bubonics 95.532/87.930 in a brutal overtime thriller in a disused quarry on the NSW/Queensland border south of Stanthorpe and all the five on-field deaths happened before half-time.

The Queensland side was, as usual, dominated by Brisbane Bolts, Rockhampton Rectums and Cairns Cloacas players, and Bolts general manager and former CEO Terry Verandah said the Queensland side was lucky to recover after the early loss of defence ditch stake poisoner Lance Murray.

One of the game’s mortals, Murray proved quite the opposite after falling through the disguised roof of a pit of western browns left over from a previous intrastate match.

The Morons were still in with a chance when, shortly after, Bubonics star defender Pete “Pustules” Parker lost his remaining arm when a claymore detonated prematurely as he established a defensive line in the third repulse triangle.

Verandah said it was an eerie experience to see an Origin of the Species match played without fans present for the very first time.

“Still, it was fantastic that our TV and streaming services audiences at home could get to hear the players’ dying breaths for the very first time.”

JDG acting chair Sir Lilian Pansy admitted federal health officials at half time had pleaded with him to call off the match due to Covid-19 concerns.

“I admitted there was a lot of coughing going on in both teams but that’s because the Morons had deployed dozens of smoke and stun grenades in an attempt to trap Bubonic raiders in a pincer movement about 10 minutes before half time.

“I also defended the Morons’ decision to apply an admittedly ruthless but totally legal veto on the southerners’ request for a triage timeout.

“This is Origin of the Species and no hung, drawn and quarter is asked for or given.”

The Morons’ head coach Jack Saunders who also helms the Brisbane Bolts team said four Queensland players had died during spirited victory celebrations in the Queensland dressing rooms after the game.

“After the boys had sung their victory dirge in the sheds, they did their usual thing where they find out who can drink the most bottles of absinthe in five minutes.

“Maybe it was a bad batch. I’m not sure who then produced the .357 Magnum handgun and in hindsight, maybe the game of Russian roulette the guys started playing would have worked out better with just the one bullet rather than just the one empty chamber,” Saunders explained.

“But at the end of the day when it’s all boiled down, it was just the lads blowing off a bit of steam and a few heads as well after a courageous and hard-fought win against their most hated and despised enemy.

“It was just a bit of high-jinks,” he said. “Just some good natured horseplay.”

Disclaimer: The Bug has been a long-term supporter of the Brisbane Bolts.