Lord Downer calls for calm

VIRUS DINKUSLord Downer has called on Australians to “calm down” in the face of the coronavirus crisis.

His Lordship invited media representatives to his family seat, Pout House in the Adelaide Hills, to listen to his pronouncements while observing appropriate social distancing.

Speaking from behind a hedge surrounding the Pout House gatekeeper’s cottage (main picture) His Lordship pointed out that he found it easy in the current virus crisis to practise social distancing.

“Naturally as a man of noble rank and breeding I have always kept my distance from my lessers, ” he said to a number of barechested houseboys who took turns to run, swim, and run again to relay the words to members of the media who had been kept far from and out of earshot of His Lordship.

“This has not always been easy and has often required deft use of one of my swagger sticks which all fortunately measure 1.5 metres and have therefore come in very handy in the current circumstances.

“The panic about coronavirus is madness. Calm down. This isn’t the Black Death. Vulnerable people should be very careful. The rest? Get on with normal life.

“Of course my normal life is vastly better and far more interesting than yours, especially those of you who are poor or soon will be, having lost your jobs and having very little prospect of ever holding another one in your entire life.

“I close by asking you all to disinfect yourselves before leaving the grounds.

“My houseboys will move among you with bottles of hand sanitiser. Feel free to pay for them with cash as I never deign to handle money so any risk to me is remote.

“My houseboys will then follow you out of the gates —  not to ensure you leave the estate but because they are all now sacked, having mixed with you most likely diseased riff raff.

“One can’t be too careful,” His Lordship said before taking a pinch of snuff and disappearing behind the hedge.